I watched a friend break the other day and thought to myself, “What a brave, beautiful thing to reveal yourself when you’re broken.” It means you’ve let go of composure because you can’t contain the pain.  It means you’ve mustered the courage to talk about what hurts, feel it, process it and spill it all over the floor.  The weak hide it, deny it, take it out on others and take it out on themselves.  For sure, I’ve done both.  It is an act of surrender.  It is brave, it is honest, it is raw and authentic. 

We apologize and make excuses for our brokenness because we worry about being judged for not maintaining our composure and self-control. We’ve been acculturated by the misogynistic ideal that women are just too emotional to handle life or positions of power because we choose sometimes to show or talk about how we feel. Sadly, because of this same misguided mindset, when men visibly feel or show emotion, they are likened to women – unstable and weak. I get so pissed off when I hear fathers tell boys who are crying to “Stop acting like a girl!” and even more angry when those words are spoken by their mom.  What they really are saying is “Stop feeling. Why would you want to act like a weak girl who feels?” What does a girl think when she witnesses this scene? What message is sent to the boy?

Girl: “I am less than because I cry. It must be true because my mom says it too.”  

Boy: “I’m deficient like a girl when I cry.”

That’s so messed up.

I’ve helped people unravel this mess in therapy. This scenario is always accompanied by other similar misogynistic messages that do great damage to boys and girls. The therapeutic work requires doing what people were denied doing as a child causing the damage in the first place – feeling and owning those feelings. It means you must be true to who you are and work on loving every part of your beautiful self, broken pieces and all. I would much rather hang out with those brave enough to break once in awhile. It fosters my ability to break, wait and pick up the pieces. It makes us both stronger.

Human brokenness is indicative of a crisis and crisis is like a birth – never free of pain or noise. Birth is all about life giving life.  Our raw emotions at that time usher in a miracle.  Our brokenness and all the disruption that springs from that, have the ability to create magic. It is a female feat of the highest honor that would be wise to emulate. Right at the point when a woman breaks her body to offer life to another, she screams, grunts, curses and cries as that human being emerges from a tiny space.  It’s raw, hurts like hell and also brings deliverance.  This breaking is messy and a compilation of so many emotions that it should have it’s own name.  For now, I’ll call it courage.

Questions/activities to ponder or good journal prompts!

1. Think of a time when you were broken. What triggered the event and how did you work through it?
2. Think of a time where you didn’t feel safe to feel and let it out. What were the circumstances and how did you handle it?
3. Did you ever share your brokenness with someone and felt judged. Think about how that influenced your future choices when it comes to keeping it real.
4. Have you ever felt “less than” due to cultural expectations? Record the events and question the legitimacy of these expectations.
5. What has brokenness taught you?