Some pieces were coming together and she was getting pissed. She’d spent many years trying to figure out who she was and why external validation had played such a big role in her life keeping her from her truth. So, we dug. As a baby, her father had spent two years living away at college while she and her mother stayed home supported by extended family. She became a major source of comfort for her mother while her husband was away. This dynamic laid the groundwork for she being thrust into the role of being responsible for her mother’s happiness. And as dad returned and other children came along, her mother grew uncomfortable with her daughter’s natural need for independence. She remembers feeling acutely shy and scared as a child outside the circle of her mother who taught her to never dare think about leaving the safety of her mother’s care. Her mother needed to feel needed.

As the daughter grew, she bravely began to tap into her own power and at moments, strive for independence. Supported by others and her own inner voice, she knew deep down that this was the natural order of things. This created chaos and fear for her mother who based all her value on needing to be needed. And each time the daughter fought for herself and her autonomy, her mother frantically scrambled to remind the daughter that she wasn’t able to go it alone untethered from satisfying the needs of her mother. The daughter began to see how her mom lacked confidence in her own ability to fall, struggle and rise and how that affected their relationship and the daughter’s ability to build her own life. If the daughter accomplished her own rising, her mom wouldn’t be needed as much and feel left behind. As the daughter began to learn from her own falls that she can overcome, the mom sometimes became jealous of her daughter’s new found abilities and growth adding to her mom’s panic and need to control her daughter’s choices. So, the mother became a master at emotionally manipulating her daughter to become what the mother needed to feed her own sense of worthiness. And to feel safe and not emotionally abandoned, the daughter straddled two worlds – one where she became whatever her mother wanted her to be and one where she was learning to breath the air of her own inner voice and wisdom. How the daughter adapted based on her relationship with her mother and her inner Knowing were in conflict with each other. This is why she sat across from me working hard to uncover the truth of who she really is and not who she became to feel loved and accepted by her mom and the world around her. She was ready to let go of the weight of who others wanted her to be so she could find the space to write her own story.

Throughout her life, the daughter’s Knowing knocked hard and she often listened because she knew there was another way. Sometimes she answered that knock because of other people in her life that encouraged her to do so. They saw her value and light and didn’t withdraw their love or scoff and ridicule her for shining. Never underestimate the power of angels on this earth. Their belief in the daughter and their unconditional love and acceptance played a big role in guiding her towards independence. It kept her in the game despite being told she was a bad daughter for not being what her mother needed. So, the daughter is learning to go back in time and recognize all the emotional abuse she experienced and tell herself that who she was then and who she is right here and right now will always be enough. What the daughter needed to hear growing up, must be spoken now – that by shining your own light, unfettered by the criticism of others may be hard to do, but it’s your birthright bestowed upon you by the Divine just for being born. The world needs the daughter’s light and others who manipulate it for their own needs is never okay. There will never be more heaven on earth if you mess with a story of wonder and light that’s been authored by the Divine.

As the daughter courageously fought for independence and moved into adulthood, she recalls feeling stronger and more capable. That process got real messy at times but she’s learning that fond memories of her relationship with her mom has kept her going too. The daughter decided to reserve a place in heart for her mother that housed compassion, understanding and forgiveness as she remembered her mother was living out how she was hurt and how she was taught. The daughter is working to practice more gratitude by keeping the best of her mom and tossing the rest. The daughter still sometimes gets wrapped up in the role of what her mother needs at the time – a confidant, a parent, a fixer – when her mother’s life and ability to cope crumble. But now, when the daughter falls into the trap of becoming who her mother needs at the time, she understands why anger courses through her body. She’s working through this by remembering that when her validation comes from outside of herself, she will always be in constant misalignment with who she really is and a lot of hard to hold feelings and maladaptive behaviors may emerge. She’s working hard on creating boundaries to protect her sense of worth and not allow the psychic vampires of this world to drain her light. The daughter will always feel lost to herself, unfulfilled and fatigued when she hustles to garner acceptance and value by becoming what others want her to be. As a female, partner, wife or daughter, she was never born to be a tool or a means to satisfy anyone else’s needs or agenda. And now that she recognizes that some have used her that way whether it be her parent or the sexist cultural messages that routinely flood women in general, feeling resentful and angry will always be the appropriate response.

The daughter is learning to run for the hills when she hears the phrase, “If you loved me, you would blah, blah, blah….”. She’s learning what love is all about through her own life experiences and by knowing what it feels like to love herself. She doesn’t need anyone else to define what she already has deep within her. When she finds herself contorting and twisting to meet the world’s expectations, she notices and gets curious about why and how to handle whatever crops up. When fatigue and resentment stick around, she makes sure to check her lines in the sand to see if anyone is encroaching and distance herself from what she learned to be toxicity seeping in. When she feels judged, ridiculed or cast aside for having a thought, opinion, feeling or dream, she closes her eyes and remembers her light, her grit and her ability to stand firm in her truth. When she needs to untangle, she shows up in therapy to explore what was behind her, dream about what lies before her and pay homage to what’s inside her because that’s the stuff that will always carry her along the way. When she makes mistakes, she stays ready to deal with harsh, self-criticism if it shows up and tries to make room for self-compassion, accountability and forgiveness like she does for others. And eventually, she tries to give thanks for it all. She gives thanks for what her mother taught her, what she didn’t teach her and how life has a funny way of bringing us closer to our true self if we stay open and do the hard work. And she tries to take note of the Divine’s hand in her life and the wonder of it all teaching her the way of forgiveness, light and love.

Questions/activities to ponder or good journal prompts!

1. Think of a time when you’ve felt like a “tool” used by someone else to satisfy their needs? What happened and what did it feel like?
2. Recall what it feels like to have outgrown a relationship or what it feels like to no longer be who you are in that setting. What happened that brought you to the realization that things needed to change?
3. Forgiveness never erases what has happened to us at the hands of others. How do you use forgiveness to cope with what has happened to you to foster your own healing? What other word or definition might you use to define forgiveness?
4. When you fall into old patterns of thoughts and/or behaviors that do not serve you or the world, do you practice self-forgiveness and self-compassion? Why/why not?
5. Why is fighting to stay aligned with our true self so hard? How do you know when the path you’re on is truly your own?