Sometimes in therapy, as a client spends time in my office, they leave behind traces of the human experience that float in the air waiting to land and be picked up by me or the next brave soul who enters. I don’t know how it works, but I don’t waste time trying to figure it out. This is one of those miracles of the Divine that I just accept as being pretty cool and there for the taking. If it’s in the room and catches someone’s attention, it’s usually worth looking at. In one of these miracle moments, the word “boundaries” got suspended in the sunlight and bounced off the bodies of me and all the clients who came by that day. And on that particular day, we all noticed. When Lizzy entered the room, it hit her right in the face helping her to understand why she was so tangled up in the pain and helplessness she’d been carrying. For Sean, the discussion about boundaries aided him in forging his own path outside of his family. For me, I was reminded of how boundary setting is an act of self-love and how we all could use a little more of that in our every day lives.

I’d been working with Lizzy for over a year. She’d made some progress, but was still plagued by the belief that she was incapable of dealing with the ups and downs of everyday life. She often spoke of staying small to not be seen or heard. She didn’t want to make waves because she feared that bad things would happen if her waves made life harder for someone else floating on the ocean. She was always on edge. If a door shut, she jumped. She spent countless hours watching all the “what ifs” tumble around in her head and the outcomes were never good. Lizzy could only focus on all that was wrong in the world and in her life and believed she was incapable of changing any of it. She was exhausted from feeling helpless and hopeless. But today, as we talked about another aspect of her childhood, she made the realization that she never really had one. She had grown up with a mother who had assigned Lizzy the role of friend, confidant and comforter. This dynamic robbed Lizzy of her of innocence and placed demands on her that were inappropriate and unattainable for a child. When her mom’s life fell apart, Lizzy was there to witness every aspect of her mom’s pain. Lizzy was expected to pick up the pieces of her Mom’s own brokenness, listen to every detail of her mess and be there to assist her in gluing it all back together. This pattern was still going on in the present as Lizzy moved into adulthood. And if Lizzy wasn’t there for the repair job, her mom told her she wasn’t being a good daughter.

Sean entered next and he was pissed. He explained his mom had made him late for work that morning, again. At 18, Sean was juggling work, school, friends and family. He was falling into the natural order of things at this stage in his life – pulling away from childhood, feeling the stress of that and using his home and family as a safe, known place for him to regroup so he could replenish and fly away again. It’s a lot. He was excited and anxious about leaving for college. We called it “anxcited”. Over the past few weeks, Sean had done a lot of work on staying with what he was feeling which sometimes included feeling a couple things at once. Like feeling sorry for his mom and pissed too about how her worry over Sean leaving for college was spilling all over him. For the past few months his mom had been struggling with unremitting anxiety and the effects of that looked like a continual replay of conversations centered around control and preparedness. Sean explained that sometimes his mom’s stuff was just too much for him. When his mom’s worry moved into his space, instead of feeling “anxcited” about college, Sean was left feeling inadequate and guilty. He longed to be free from the work that was his mom’s responsibility. And as he explained this phenomenon to me, I watched him cry as the word “boundaries” floated above his head beckoning him to take a look.

That day, I waited for both Lizzy and Sean to break. Because I know when anger and pain roll into the room, a space is created for what the client needs to do next. When pools of tears leave the body and all the client is carrying has cascaded all over the floor, it’s easier to see what comes next. Today, it’s boundaries. When humans are asked to do the impossible like parent too early, walk someone else’s journey, be the source of someone else’s happiness and fix things that aren’t ours to fix, we break from the exhaustion and injustice. But when we break, we have the opportunity to rebuild with tools that help us come back stronger and wiser. In the remodeling process, some of those tools include creating walls to keep others from robbing us of our own experiences, our learning and our truth. Boundaries may look like saying “no” to taking on a role that was never meant for you. Or removing yourself or limiting your time with a situation because you’re being asked to absorb someone else’s struggle. Or listening to your own knowing that’s telling you to pause and look at a particular relationship and how it’s affecting you. Or sometimes boundaries look like sandbag walls giving you the opportunity to remove a layer of sandbags in time when trust develops. Or they look like signs that read, “Stop! You require rest, recovery and play!” reminding you of the importance of self-care. Whether you’re asking the grocery checkout clerk to stop talking about the details of her sex life in the presence of you and your 5 year-old granddaughter or laying ground rules for a relationship that’s causing you harm, creating boundaries is hard work. It takes time and practice to keep some lines from shifting in the sand when you fall into old patterns and fear. You’ll know you’re on the right track when you begin to feel a bit more free because you’re choosing to not get tangled in the nets of old habits and relationships that never served you. Stay steady in your work when you begin to feel unencumbered by what others think and pulled more by what you think no matter how difficult or scary it may seem. To keep the precious jewel of You free from the dust and dirt of others requires bravery and your self-loving protection. Boundaries are the safety measures you create to stay dust-free from someone else’s mess, keep your light shining and your life energy at a healthy level. They affirm all the strength and courage you truly have and help you remember that you’re always deserving of a love that leaves you feeling worthy, capable, unbounded and free.

Questions/activities to ponder or good journal prompts!

1. What feelings bubble up when you’ve been pulled into a space not meant for you and why?
2. If you’re in the business of “fixing” everyone else, why might that leave you feeling depleted and incapable in general?
3. A boundary could be saying “no” to preserve or protect something within you. What are you trying to protect? Why is it hard to say “no” sometimes?
4. Is your Knowing calling you to look at a current relationship or situation that’s negatively affecting you? What requires your attention and what might that boundary look like?
5. How has setting boundaries positively affected your life and why? Why when we honor a wall of protection do we feel more free?