Shed your skin.

Shed your skin.

by kimberly gruber ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I swim in the muck of the difficult either waiting for the tide to change or until I muster the strength to swim up and out. It hurts, it’s tiring and strips me raw. But in this space, I notice that I lose all the scales that protect me from the outside world. I shed my skin. I am delicate and sensitive to any and all elements. And it’s ok. Because the scales that cover my body and keep me safe block my view sometimes too. What I’ve accumulated to mask the vulnerable parts of me needs to fall away so I can see what I’m missing. And as my tender body emerges, I stretch and grow and groan as my new skin takes hold. Maybe it will be less thick this next time around. All I know is that I don’t want it to be so layered that it limits my view of the world and all that matters. I don’t want it to be so thick that it keeps me locked inside and unable to shine my light.

In rawness, I catch a glimpse of the sun coming up and I cry thankful for this morning, this moment. In rawness, I see more miracles and beauty. I see more of God. I am closer to that home where my soul lived before. I feel so intensely when I am raw. It can force me to cry out for help or cry out in awe of the beauty placed before my unencumbered eyes. I have lost my scales so everything is tender, but I see things too as if for the first time. Not being fully armored and protected, beauty is intensified. What my eyes pull in rushes through my body and fills every cell with heaven’s strength. The beauty of a tree reaching towards the sky, the stars, the sun and the voice of a child gets imprinted on every cell of my body. I notice these things because I don’t have the strength to let anything pull me from the now. Rawness leaves me sprawled on the floor and too weak to do nothing more than just be. I have shed my scales. I am rebuilding. In rawness I’m thirsty for relief so I easily drink in God’s elixir of healing in the form of the beauty all around me. A beauty that would go unnoticed had I not shed my protective layers and fallen to the ground weak and vulnerable. Only in this place, do I get real glimpses of heaven. Those views are what allow me to pull myself from the muck and start again.

Raw states come in many colors. In rawness I have screamed and not shown my better self. I’ve left messes on the floor or tried to repair the damage I’ve done. If I’ve left the mess, for sure I’ve gathered more scales. I can come up with a million excuses to justify my behavior or my fear and avoid repair. Those excuses become more scales. They protect me from bearing my soul, being uncomfortable or getting hurt. They keep me from recognizing that I am a human who makes mistakes and it is ok. It’s not about fairness, it’s about looking at my pieces in the puzzle of human interaction and what keeps me and another from connecting or making things right. Repair creates connection. In a raw state I have to emerge unprotected to meet someone else who I hope is brave enough to emerge unprotected too. The ruptures we create and the messes we make will never be cleaned up by superficially dusting off each other’s scales. We have to show what’s underneath. Rawness is the place where the real work begins.

In rawness I feel love and gratitude more deeply too. It moves me to reach out, be vulnerable and ask for help. What have I got to lose? I have no skin. I need the support of people in my life until my new growth takes hold. I say “Yes” because there’s no escaping the fact that I need help. When thickly layered with all my scales I usually say, “No, I’m fine!” when someone offers a hand. The rawness drives me to let others tend to me, take care of me and their love reminds me I am deserving even when I don’t feel it sometimes. I am grateful for the salve to my tender skin and the many hands that have fostered my healing. I feel love and gratitude for the angels that want to help and connect because they know rawness too. In this place, they share their gifts and they gather gifts. We are magnificently designed to receive the gift of a more meaningful life when in the service of loving others. Allowing someone to love me helps us both. The drops of love that fall on me cycle back into the earth and always find their way back to the ones who created the drops in the first place.

I’ll shed my skin and stay tender for a bit. I’ll lift my head up just enough to notice how different things look from this vantage point. There’s nothing covering me, my vision or my ears. I am being reborn and growing new skin. A thin protective layer is essential for my survival but I want to make sure I shed the skin I’ve outgrown. If my skin restricts me, it will be impossible for me to take chances in life and in love. A life of meaning is built by showing what’s underneath your scales once in a while. I will wriggle out of what binds me and sit in that tender place for a bit letting angels take care of me while I heal. I will drink in the beauty that shows up in its many forms to remind me to hold on, grow and be grateful. That’s always better then continuing to live restricted by my own skin and the weight of all my scales.

Questions/activities to ponder or good journal prompts!

  1. Recall a time when you were raw. What led to that moment? What do you remember feeling at that time?
  2. Have you ever noticed beauty at a time when you’ve been stripped down to the core? Why or why not?
  3. In rawness we can have reactionary responses. How difficult is it for you to repair if you’ve made a mess and why?
  4. Most people are driven to help when they see a need. What prevents us from doing so?
  5. A life of love and meaning requires connection, sharing and “showing what’s under our scales”. Why don’t we do this more often?
Do things to stay human.

Do things to stay human.

by kimberly gruber ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Truth, honesty and compromise have been carved up on the butcher block lately. Treating others inhumanely is the new normal for some people too. Creating lies, false stories and belittling others while people stand by and watch it happen is no longer shocking. The bully plants the seeds of hate, fear and intimidation and the bystanders say nothing because they are petrified that the bully will go after them. They lack courage and keep their mouths shut. They allow the bully to spread fear and use aggression causing someone to be stripped of their rights, respect and dignity. The bully who fans these flames knows what he is doing. He plants the cancer cell, lets it spread and watches. He counts on his peers to say nothing, do nothing and let bad things happen. The bystanders who let the bully exercise his very limited skill set to harness his “power over” technique are the most troubling to watch. They allow the cancer to grow. They watch while someone gets shoved into a locker, laugh along with the bully and do nothing. Their fear of the bully overrides their courage to do what’s right. This is middle school 101.

Fear does serve a purpose. It alerts us to open our eyes, become aware, fact check and take action. It drives us to analyze what is going on and do something about it. Fear is part of who we are to keep us safe and to push us towards keeping others safe. We feel safer when banded with others in a common purpose and goal. The issue is to look at that group goal and question if your membership creates more fear, provokes more aggression and fans the fuel of more hatred. If you’re an individual or a group that intimidates others by exploiting fear in the world to garner a sense of power, you’re only doing so in an attempt to eradicate your own fear and your own shortcomings. Bullies are not actualized humans. They are humans that spend too much time living in fear instead of looking at it’s source. If you can’t figure out why you’re afraid, you can’t actively work to solve the problem.

The courageous voices for justice do not fear change, compromise, diversity or having hard conversations. They may be scared sometimes, but their drive to do the right thing overrides their fear. What they do fear is apathy. This is why they keep their eyes open, learn and become aware. They spend time with people who are different and notice what connects us as human beings more so than what separates us. They exercise temperance, patience and they listen to the stories of others. They know that spending time together and doing what humans do, is the best way to dispel fear and build connection. “I see me in you” is the fully human motto. If I see you are hurting, I am driven to action to support you even if our thinking doesn’t align all the time. I will howl like a wolf to protect you as I know your survival and our pack requires that I do not let one rabid wolf take us all down. After all, we just laughed, played and ate together last week. We each have our own story and a story of our time together. How can I be scared of you when we each have a chapter that comes from the same book? Preserving this book allows us to exist in harmony. Open your mouth when someone comes along and tries to censor individual chapters. Because we all know that when you strip chapters from the book of humanity, the whole thing falls apart.

When I hear you, I see you. When you hear me, you see me. It’s called bonding. It requires person to person interaction. Give someone the opportunity to reveal their humanity – their story, their words, their smile, their anger. It could get scary. Especially when you are at odds with their ideology. Pause and remember what trying humans do – they breathe and listen. Ask more questions. Listen and learn. It is likely when the misinformation starts to fly, you’ll see it’s based in fear. Ask about that fear. That’s the best you can do. Oh and hope too. Hope that they somehow saw you and noted that you’re not that scary. Hopefully, they somehow noticed that you do have a little bit in common because you each took the time share individual chapters. That’s how you bond, connect and preserve each other’s humanity. Start one person at a time. Larger organizations can’t come close to having the affect you may have on helping to foster connection and healing one person at a time. Be part of the pack that tries their best, despite how hard it is, to gather more into the human race.

When you walk down a particular hallway of the Holocaust museum, you are surrounded by the shoes that were stripped from people as they entered the concentration camps. The effect is a stark reminder of our connection to those souls. We all wear something on our feet. The shoes belonged to humans that laced, or buttoned or slipped on their shoes that morning. Or the shoes belonged to little ones who had someone help them do the buckling and lacing that day. Either way, those shoes protected the feet of the human they carried doing the best they can to survive the horror of what they faced. It was apathy and a disconnection with one’s humanity and the humanity of another that led to the death of all those shoe-wearing people. It was silence concerning the “small” things that led to the big things like the murder of millions of adults, children and babies. Imagine yourself in those shoes. Then decide if howling in the name of defending someone else’s humanity is one of the most important and courageous things you can do. Because it is.

Questions/activities to ponder or good journal prompts!

  1. Most individuals have been the victim of someone else exercising power over them? What did that feel like? How did you resolve the issue?
  2. Have you ever exercised power over another? Does seeing a bully as having a “very limited skill set” speak to you whether or not you were an offender or victim or both? In what way?
  3. Have you ever connected with someone with whom you had many differences by way of a conversation, a story or a meal? Did you notice any similarities despite your differences? Why or why not?
  4. Fear is what leads to misinformation spreading and believing without experience or facts. What might the liar, manipulator or the uneducated be afraid of? What unknown about a person or group triggers fear in you and why?
  5. The shoes of the holocaust victims are meant to evoke empathy and reveal just how powerful misinformation, lies, apathy and hate can be. How does that museum display speak to you? What does it call you to do?
Active hibernation.

Active hibernation.

by kimberly gruber ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

The natural world will reveal what you need to do to heal, live a life of purpose, of meaning and miracles. This includes bears. There’s something to be said for having moments of isolation and hibernation. Cozy inside their dens, bears remain physically still and fall into a deep sleep to protect themselves from those things that use up a lot of their energy like the cold and searching for food that is in short supply. Bears adapt to the harsh elements of the winter season by slowing everything down. Hibernation is essential for preservation and repair, but it’s not meant to be long and drawn out beyond what is really needed. Bears always wake up and emerge from the shadows of their den. They instinctively know life requires they enter their den to survive just as they instinctively know they have to leave it to survive too. Bears emerge into the light of spring groggy but shiny and new. They are tender but their voracious appetite for the good stuff after a time of fasting must be satisfied to sustain life and their species. They have to move and forage for those things that will nourish them with just what they need to be the best bear they can be.

Time is never wasted during hibernation. Slowing down to be still and meditate on your life teaches you about you. You can take inventory of all your capabilities and decide how you might adapt when things get tricky. Sometimes female bears even give birth during this time. I imagine these aren’t the most restful moments of isolation for mama bears. During a time of slowing down what you learn, discover or give birth to may require some work. What drove you into your den that needed to be looked at, untangled and sorted? What happened that led you to slow down your breathing and conserve energy to protect yourself from the elements of this life? Knowing and understanding these things is important, but when the sorting is through, you’ve got to get moving. When you crawl out of your den, you’re going to need to hold on tightly to the seedlings of wisdom and strength you grew while in your hibernation to make things happen. You may feel like you haven’t stored up enough grit in your time of solitude because the idea of movement or change is too much for you now. Trust that you have what it takes. Move slowly at first being deliberate, determined and exercising all the self-compassion you can muster. Spring will arrive and so will the bounty of newness you’ve been waiting for.

Bears and their human counterparts both need to physically move from their space to sustain life. But the untangling, tunneling and swirling that occurs inside your mind and guided by your spirit is a different type of movement. It’s an internal shift that moves you to travel towards new ideas and new ways of thinking. It helps you glean what matters. Rest and slow down just enough so you can choose to really analyze what feeds you love, belonging and light so you can forage for it in times of scarcity. Your mind has the ability to give birth to new ideas and in hibernation you can hone in on the obstacles in your path and devise plans to break them down. Sometimes you’ll see that the biggest obstacle to movement is you and the thoughts that keep you frozen in place. Flow with the new mindsets you’ve spent time thinking about and stay persistent and true to what you want and how you want to live. Lead with your gifts, name them, share them and be grateful for the time you spent digging for them. Stretch, yawn and reach towards the light as you emerge from your slumber. Start to dance with the vibrational hum of all the activity inside you. It is alive and calls you to join in and bravely move to the front of the line in your own life. Wake up, emerge and connect with all the other bears that have chosen to let the light swirl, shift thinking and move them too.

Questions to ponder or good journal prompts!

  1. What leads you to seek out stillness and isolation?
  2. What have you learned about yourself or others when you slow down, meditate and reflect?
  3. Have you experienced major shifts or movement in your thinking before? How has it affected your life?
  4. Is it hard for you to leave “your den”? Why or why not?
  5. What does “wake up” mean to you?
Be a sunrise.

Be a sunrise.

by kimberly gruber ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Where are you in your own life? What part are you playing because you have been hurt, taken advantage of or told you are not enough? What will it take to remind yourself that you do have choices, you do have the ability to think outside of the prison walls in your own mind? Whether you put up the walls because of hurt inflicted upon you or by choice, there’s a reason these walls exist. Exploration of why these walls were built is important, but so is knowing that these walls can be scaled, climbed or chipped away piece by piece because you have made the choice to do so. You start by deciding to be an active participant in your own life by noticing every choice you make. Picking up the rope and pic ax to break down what keeps you captive may feel excruciatingly difficult, but it’s where you start and starting is a choice. With every decision you make you are exercising your power and how you will bring about change in your own life. When someone has taken away a choice of yours, that doesn’t mean they’ve taken away all of you, all of your choices. It means that for a moment in time, a decision was made for you that you never agreed upon. That decision that someone made for you changed your life, but cannot take away your ability to choose how you move forward from that moment and how you choose to navigate the world around you. It can be hard to remember that when you are scared, pissed, frozen, regretful, anxiety-ridden, deeply sorrowful and in a heap of madness on the shower floor. It’s hard to feel that you have any choice and any power. But you chose to get up and get in the shower and that is how you start. You start by noticing and moving.

So where is your power, your balm and your healing? It’s in you. This trio of inner strength is made up of your body, your mind and your spirit. They are your people, your power and there to love you, help you heal and grow. That trio is always whispering to you when a whisper is all you can take. When you’re ready, the trio will shout at you sometimes too. Getting into the flow that your trio offers may be tough. It requires stepping up and out. The key is to not feel defeated by whatever the trio calls you to do before the event even begins. Your role is to flow down the river they set forth and believe that it will take you to a place where you will begin to feel safe again. The trio is asking you to surrender to your body’s reactions, your mind’s recall and the emotional release of all you are holding. They are asking you to trust in a process that hurts like hell, feels scary and out of control at a time in your life when it’s hard to trust in yourself and your own ability to breathe without pain. Believe, hold on and know this is part of your healing. Your body, mind and spirit knows that healing begins with trusting yourself first before you take the leap and trust others again. When you come out the other side of facing your pain and the emotional release that must ensue, you discover that you have the ability to heal by relying on your choices and the sacred temple that houses your mind and light. You have the power to heal and be healed even when the pain leads you to believe otherwise.

Healing a deep wound requires you make the choice to move and live your life no matter how messy and hard that can be. It’s ok to choose to stay behind your walls sometimes as long as it’s not the only thing you do. Your body, mind and spirit will support you in your healing, but the trio requires your choice to participate. It is a choice to believe, dive in, let go, trust, surrender, walk, run, shower and work towards healing. This may feel impossible, but that is the trio’s specialty – helping you do the unthinkable, the impossible and the unimaginable. Your body, mind and spirit will always guide you to notice your power, pain and the choices you have to deal with whatever you are carrying. Healing and re-birth is a miracle and you have the opportunity to be a witness to that in your own life. Breathe deeply and move so you can get back on stage and assume the main role in your life’s story. Your body, mind and spirit will love you, heal you and carry you if you listen to what it calls you to do. Try to marvel at all the wisdom contained in you. You have more choice, power and strength then you ever could have imagined. These are things that can never be taken from you. Ever.

Love is an act of will, a choice, a movement. True living is too. It’s no coincidence to me that sometimes when I intend on typing the word “love”, I accidentally hit the letter “i” instead of the letter “o” and end up with the word “live” in my writing. The letter “i” is right next to the letter “o” on our keyboards and I’m glad they’re neighbors. Live and love are kind of interchangeable. The word “live” and “love” are similar in nature in that both involve your active participation. If I choose to really live my life, it is an act of will, a choice, a movement just like love. Real living requires I try my best to make a conscious effort to do the things that really matter and that always involves love – love of others, the Divine, passions, self and nature as a start. Real living means I will have pain but it also means I will have more love. I have to believe in life and love to fully participate in the miracle of my own healing and to support others in their healing as well. I can courageously choose to rely on my body, mind and spirit as given to me by the Divine, to build a life from the ashes, start over and live again.

Live, breathe and keep it moving the best you can in a direction that will create more love and more self-compassion. Your world may have stopped, become painful and feel out of control. Life and love is here to remind you that is for now, not forever. Despite how broken we feel, we witness the sun coming up every morning as a reminder that it’s possible to begin again and that the darkness will eventually fade away. Moving upward into the sky takes some serious work, but you can become a miraculous living, loving sunrise too. You will shine again.

Questions/activities to ponder or good journal prompts!

  1. Have you built walls as a form of self-protection? What are you hiding and/or protecting and why?
  2. What are your thoughts about the trio inside you? (Body/Mind/Spirit) Do you rely on this trio day-to-day? Why/why not?
  3. Rising from the ashes may feel impossible. Have you done so before? If yes, how? What gave you the strength to rebuild?
  4. Take the time to think about all the choice you have versus the choices you did not or cannot choose. How does that affect your sense of power or the agency you have in your own life?
  5. The word “live” and “love” are similar in nature in that both involve your active participation. Expand on this idea.
A million canaries.

A million canaries.

by kimberly gruber ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Every part of your life matters. Every moment of your existence is meaningful. Every opportunity you work so hard for and every opportunity that falls into your lap is a chance to do something wonderful or learn a hard lesson. Your life is made up of pages that will become the book about you. It will contain all that you’ve learned as you make your way in this place. The spirits that ushered you from heaven to earth nudged you to begin chapter one upon your arrival. The first page is a story of celebration and how nature and all its creatures danced and rejoiced when you made your grand entrance. It’s a party like none other meant to leave an impression on your heart so you never stop writing your story. All this day one hoopla is there to help you remember how much the Divine loves every part of who you are so chapter one is pretty important. It’s there for you to read again and again when you fall or when this world hurts you. You’ll always be worth more than all the stars in the universe. It’s all there on page one! It can never be censored, edited or crossed out by you, anyone or anything in this world.

Life’s journey is about remembering and recording the pages of your life. The details matter, your relationships matter, your struggles and triumphs matter, the process of your life matters. These are the things you collect in your book that teach you how to handle what comes next or to help you support those experiencing writer’s block and stumbling to move on. Reflecting on each page in your life and learning from your experiences is what makes us wise. If we get stuck in a particular chapter, it usually means we could use some help from other authors or we need to put down our pen, rest and think for a while. It could mean that we’re writing our book based on what others tell us should be on each page. Gather your own moments and be on the look out for what makes your book beautiful. Don’t rely on the world to tell your story. If you do so, your chapters will be superficial, anxiety ridden, boring, chronically sad and empty in spirit. Tear those pages up. Do your research and dig deeply for the real you, the beautiful you, the you that has a true story to tell. The you that arrived on a party bus! Every lesson you’ve learned, every chance you took, every collapse to the floor and every time you shared your light and held another will be written on your heart. Your book will become a marvelous story filled with relationships, love, miracles, challenges, successes and failures. The beautiful story you compose will make for a fantastic, one-of-a-kind read. It will teach and influence everyone you meet if it tells the story of who you really are. That’s how you pass on wisdom to those caught in dark chapters or how you help yourself recover when words cannot be found.

Writing our book is a process and the process matters. How are you learning, growing and finding a way to love every piece of your life that makes up the whole of your story? What are you noticing, who are you spending time with, how are you holding on, climbing up and doing the best you can to live a life worth living? Each piece of the puzzle and how all these pieces fit together define who we are, what we’ve learned and how we’ve loved or backed away from love. We don’t arrive, we keep moving, keep growing and as we do, our life becomes more interesting even when we put down the pen and run. Spectrums of light and darkness making up the pages of our book keep us engaged and wanting to know more about the wonder of who we are and the wonder of all living creatures that make up the whole.

How we grow, adapt and learn requires taking one step at a time and each step matters. It’s how we eventually learn to crawl, walk, run and feel so much joy we dance by ourselves under the stars at night. Every experience you have grows into the story of you like a single grain of sand that is part of a beautiful beach or a single leaf that makes up a majestic tree. Each element, piece, fragment and thread matters to the beauty of the whole. We are a speck; we are the whole world. Our story is comprised of each letter and the whole book. We are a single canary loved just for being and loved for the part we play in the flock of flying color. Re-read the first page in your book when the journey gets tough. It will remind you that no matter where you are in your story, you will always matter to the One who sent you. Write that all over your heart so you live a life that exemplifies your true worth and are an active participant in the moment-by- moment creation of you. Share some lessons and love too. This way, your story will never end.

Questions/activities to ponder or good journal prompts!

  1. Close your eyes and breathe in and out. Now imagine heaven and nature celebrating the arrival of you. What does it look like? What does it feel like?
  2. The Divine expressed a deep, deep love for a single canary and loves you even more than a million canaries. How might you connect with that love? Maybe start by noticing all the feathers you find if you stay open to seeing them.
  3. How does it come to be that we allow others to write our story? What does that feel like? What does it feel like to take back our own pen?
  4. There’s opportunity found in the simplest of moments and wisdom is gathered when we reflect on each step of our journey. Do you focus more on the process or just the end result? Why/why not?
  5. You are a speck or the whole world, a grain of sand or the beach, a leaf or the tree, a single letter or a book. What does this idea of being a piece of a beautiful whole mean to you?

Pursue the now.

Pursue the now.

by kimberly gruber ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I try my best to stay in the now. It can be challenging sometimes but I know if I do so, I’ll notice more. If I slow down my brain just enough to take in slivers of the present moment, that’s a start. What I see in each moment may bring me pleasure or pain, but it is my space in time and I can be there or not. If I’m in the moment, I can allow it to fill my cup with light, drink it in and really see all that God places at my feet every day. When I’m preoccupied with getting and putting my attention on what I lack, I never notice how much I have. My business here is to live, love and grow and not stay in a place where nothing can be changed or controlled. That’s just living in the land of guilt, worry and regret which never produces anything or anything worthy of noticing. I can’t take stock of the things I do well if I allow the world or my fears to keep me chained to the past or I’m living in the hurricane of worry obsessing over the future. My life requires my full attention in the now and to make that easier to do, I need to work on putting things aside that keep me out of my own life.

I’m in a good place when I’m doing something and lose all track of time. That’s a clue that I’m on the right track and practicing staying present. I’m not thinking about anything else other than what’s right in front of me in the now. No regrets plague my head space. No worries build upon more worries in my mind using up my energy or space. Times like these are freeing and come bearing gifts. These lose-all-track-of time moments are telling me that these are the things I am meant to do and it’s up to me to pick apart why. I need to ask myself how I might align these moments with my purpose. What is that moment teaching me about me? What is my intention in that moment whether I was conscious of it or not? If I take the time to think and dig deeply enough, I can learn so much about myself while living in the now. And that lesson on self, is the most important lesson of all. Our lives become so much richer and more layered when we know ourselves, our purpose and how we can share those things with the world. I want to know the real me and the world needs to know the real you.

Sometimes it’s a battle to stay in the right here because it hurts too much or the fear and worry become too great. I’m not a fan of holding onto pain. While in that moment it’s hard to glean much too. I just know that it’s good to let my body do what it does to help me bear the sorrow. It could be sleep, wailing, waiting, cursing, weeping and falling into the mercy of God and others. Being present in my pain and allowing myself to fall is part of the healing. Being present in a moment like this gives me the opportunity to notice what shows up to pour love on me. It’s often my dog. In my pain I stroke her head, notice the softness of her fur and look into her eyes and see compassion. If I’m not in the now, I miss that. And if I miss that, that’s one less moment of relief from my pain, worry or fear. In moments of worry when my head gets too heavy I let it tumble into my hands. I have the ability to notice the warmth of my hands holding my head, covering my eyes, cradling my face and be reminded that I can self comfort too. Staying present in these moments reminds me of the miracle of how we were designed to comfort ourselves when alone in our time of grief. I can give the gift of presence to others while they struggle, but it’s equally important to give myself the gift of being there for me too. Self-love is not selfish. I pursue the now to stay awake and not miss out on what repairs me and feeds my deflated soul so I can get back into the world and do my thing again and again.

Staying present is a practice. I’m not always going to stay out of the past or stop worrying about the future. I accept that I am fallible and a human doing the best I can. But this life requires that I keep attentive if I want it to be full of learning, healthy relationships, curiosity and love. If I pursue the now with vigor, I can keep focused on solving only those things that are solvable instead of being in my head trying to fix things that cannot be fixed or controlled. Take a walk and notice a flower and marvel at how God is the only who could mix that amazing color. Tie your sneakers and think about how cool it is to do so. Who is thinking about anything other than joy when in the presence of giggling baby? Sit on your steps, look up and be drawn to the heavenly bodies that surround you and the spirits that embrace you. Hold a friend in pain and wrap yourself in your own blanket of compassion when you hurt too. The more you practice staying right here, right now, the more miraculous life will become. Don’t take yourself too seriously – take each gift of the moment seriously. Just do your best to stay in wonder and awake.

Questions/activities to ponder or good journal prompts!

  1. What is it like for you to be in the present moment?
  2. What keeps you out of the now? Are they thoughts, feelings and/or things?
  3. Think of an activity in which you lose all track of time? What is it? Why are you doing it? What does it say about who you are?
  4. How do you self-comfort? How did you learn about what repairs you?
  5. Create a list of strategies you will try to help you stay present. Practice, practice and practice more.
Open the door and windows.

Open the door and windows.

by kimberly gruber ♥ 2 Comments

I’m in a room alone. It’s dark, lonely and the heaviness of this stagnant air seeps into every cell of my body. The heaviness weighs me down so much so that I just want to burrow and fall deeper into my space. When I find the strength to lift my head and look around, I don’t feel much hope. It would take so much energy to take even one step upward that I fall again just thinking about it. Because I’m alone, inside with my thoughts, the thoughts just don’t stop. They evoke fear, negativity and make me weary because they will not stop. I feel far removed from the light and the more I notice that, the more I let the darkness keep me in a place devoid of connection with others. Even in a room full of people, I still feel lost in the dark space in which I reside. Helpless, hopeless, dark, inside myself and alone.

In recent weeks, I’ve spent a lot of time supporting people experiencing depression. I tap into my own feelings and experiences to understand someone else’s, support them and heal myself. What I know for sure about the dark room is this: there are windows, there is a door. No matter how beaten down you feel, that’s the first step – get up and open the windows and door. Then go lay back down if you need to. As long as you create an open path to let in the light, you’re getting there. Moving towards the light does not mean you feel like doing so. But to get out of this room, you sometimes have to think your way out step by step and just do the next thing. It may require outside support. There is no shame in that because reaching towards outside light is an act of bravery. It’s so hard but it’s you thinking your way out, you taking charge of your healing. You have everything you need to overcome your suffering and heal and manage your pain. You just forgot about your light because it go lost behind all the closed doors and windows. You just lost sight of your connection with the infinite light of the Divine because you were too tired to open your eyes. Open them now. The love is there for you now. No human has the ability to put chains on your light or the light of others in an attempt to keep you in darkness. So open the door and windows and let the light in and your light out. Now.

Do your best to rise slowly and stand outside in the light. Express yourself, exercise faith rituals, your body, your hopefulness even if you’re not feeling it now. Exercise self-compassion. Exit your room to connect with others and share your light. Tell your story. The prefix ex means “out”. Let your light out through expression, extending, exiting, exercise and bathe in the external light of others so you have an easier time finding yours. Extend your body towards the sky and allow the healing air of nature swirl around you and purge your cells of the darkness that’s been a part of them for way too long. Let the darkness escape your body through your tears and remind yourself of how amazing life can be sometimes despite spending time in that dark room. The light has the power to feed your hope.

Keep practicing your rituals of faith to stay in the land of the hopeful where the Divine is ever present and where other lovers of light reside. Actively pursue the Divine and the hopeful for we will stand with you against those who would prefer we stay in our dark rooms. They will attempt to scare us and do everything they can to make us believe our light is not worth seeing. When the fear they create leads us to to believe our light is not of value, we shine less brightly. And when we shine less brightly, it makes it harder for us to see a way out of this darkness. Open the doors and windows and let your light out and let light in. Because when I bathe in your light, I hear you, see you, learn from you and support you. When I support you, I support myself. Your light opens my eyes, opens my world, makes me feel less alone, teaches me, inspires me and keeps me from looking away from things that are hard to watch. I am reminded of my own humanity because I see yours. And if I don’t protect your light from being stolen or squelched by people who choose to live in fear, then I lose mine. It is single streams of light that create the spectrum of colors that make up a rainbow. I need your light and you need mine. Open your door and windows and let your light be a part of that beautiful arc of colors in the sky that inspires all of us to hold on when it’s hard to do so. We call that arc a rainbow. I call it hope sometimes too.

If you are experiencing crisis you are not alone. Please call the National Suicide Crisis Hotline at: 800-273-8255 or visit suicidepreventionlifeline.org. They are available 24 hours to support you and get you the help you need.

Questions/activities to ponder or good journal prompts!

  1. What does prolonged sadness or depression feel like for you? Be descriptive.
  2. It can be so hard to move outside of yourself, outside of dark places. What have you done in the the past to do so?
  3. How is expression helpful in alleviating depressive symptoms?
  4. Why do some people attempt to squelch the light of others?
  5. I am reminded of my humanity when I see yours. Why is that? How does that help create connection and act as a safeguard from depression?
The kitchen table.

The kitchen table.

by kimberly gruber ♥ 3 Comments

As a young adult all the way into my later years, the women of my family would gather around my Aunt Gloria and Uncle John’s kitchen table for lunch, coffee, tea and sweets. They lived in Hershey Pennsylvania so sweets were a staple. The table originally included my grandmom too. It got loud. Topics of conversations included our kids, our significant others, jobs, health, funny life stories, travel, books and gossip, of course. The table sat right by a window that overlooked the backyard where a birdfeeder was placed in an open area among the trees. The “talking” got so loud sometimes it sent the birds flying for dear life. That table rocked of laughter, tears, shouting, a ton of calories and love every time. I lived two hours away from my aunt and uncle so while our time at the table wasn’t frequent, it was consistent through the years. You just slipped into a seat and started gabbing as if you never left. As our daughters got older, they joined us at the table too. The energy that emanated from that space was a love-fueled life force that could look intimidating, but it always drew people in. It was a piece of heaven.

Time marches on and people pass so there will be no more time spent at that kitchen table. It ended when my aunt developed a disease that forced she and my uncle to leave their home. Boxes and furniture got packed and so did the memories of my time at that table. Sometimes the memories move out of storage in my brain as I think about the passage of time or recall a moment at that table. Sometimes I laugh and sometimes I cry but when thinking of that time, I am always reminded of what matters in my life. Time at that table left layers of rich experiences within me that I call on when I need to feel grounded, appreciative and spiritually embraced. I’m grateful that my beloved aunt and uncle knew the importance of that time together long before I understood how it would shape me and all who sat at that table. I know that the loving energy of our time there permeated the kitchen so deeply, that a friendly poltergeist was left behind to bless the folks who moved their table into that house after my aunt and uncle moved their table out.

My aunt and uncle now spend their time at the kitchen table in heaven. They spent 63 years together at their table here on earth. When my aunt passed, my uncle lasted a year and a half before he decided he couldn’t be at the table without her. Their ties to each other were way too entangled in each other’s love that any attempt to separate the strands would take him another 63 years. It was my uncle who would come into the kitchen and complain about the noise but would love every minute of the ruckus because we had this time together at his table. I will forever miss them and those moments. When stuff ends because we succumb to life’s evolution, the bruises left behind resurface from time to time. A holiday, a memory, a song or a dream may trigger a torrent of grief in me. Sometimes I can’t hold all the tears and they spill all over my shirt. And most of the time, as the tear stains grow, I’m hit with the thought that I’m glad the stains are there. They exist because I loved and felt loved and because I chose to sit at that kitchen table.

It’s easy to get caught up in “not enough” – not enough time and not enough energy. So, if you want to have more meaningful times and more energy, look at where you spend your time and your energy. We find time to do the dumbest things that do not leave tear stains on our shirts when we ponder their loss as time passes on (if we can even remember them). Be diligent about what things rob you of kitchen table time. Time with people is how we show love and receive love. It’s nothing fancy. At my aunt’s kitchen table, we all just unwittingly pledged that the only thing that would pull us away from that table was a crash from another room and a child’s cry. Our asses stayed planted at that table with each other and no phone or ping took precedence over our love time. Because that table experience was so wonderfully supportive and meaningful, it drove us to create more table time with other family members and girlfriends. The settings at the table may have included different props like books and wine but the props don’t really matter. What matters is that everyone at that table has a place, is always welcome and doesn’t let lifeless objects be of more value than making time for love. It never hurts to bring a dessert or a bottle of wine too. Just set a table and pray that you end up with some tear stained shirts someday. It’s evidence that you loved, felt loved and spent precious time being with others around a table.

Questions/activities to ponder or good journal prompts!

  1. Have you ever had a similar experience at a table? Maybe it was once or maybe it’s a regular occurrence. What do you remember about the experience that made it special?
  2. How have simple memories of time spent with loved ones shaped you and your life?
  3. Food and drinks are often a part of the kitchen table experience. What is it about food and conversation that inspire community?
  4. What are your thoughts concerning the following: “If you want to have more meaningful times and more energy, look at where you spend your time and your energy.” Really think about what zaps your time and energy and if it is worth it.
  5. Think about creating your own kitchen table. Who would you invite and why? Do it.
Fill your cup.

Fill your cup.

by kimberly gruber ♥ 2 Comments

You were born with a cup of light housed deep inside you filled to the brim. The light is comprised of your all knowing, love and your authentic self. It is this light that guides you, affirms you and acts as your foundation. The light spills into every cell of your body to enliven you and coax you to become. It moves you to be you. It feeds you knowledge, compassion, courage, acceptance and love. The light keeps you aligned with your spirit. The light reminds you of your purpose and lives to move you to that next place. It is the lantern you use, which sends out the light you need to find your way. As you can imagine, your cup of light is a pretty big deal.

When our cup is full, we know it. There’s a feeling of contentment and ease. We are less negatively affected by all the external distractions that steer us off course. We feel committed to our path, our cause and align ourselves readily with the light of others. When we are full, we have no problem sharing our light with others. We know there is enough for everyone and therefore don’t worry about lack. If aligned with the Divine and our authentic selves, we have faith that our cup of light will always be with us and never run out. It may get low, it may get drained sometimes by the darkness of others, but the light does not completely vanish. All it takes is a trickle of light to erode whatever dam hinders our ability to fill our cup again. Be open to receiving a trickle of light from the Divine, nature or another cup of light holder. Don’t run from light, pour it in your cup.

It is up to us to keep our cup full so we have enough sustenance for our journey and enough light to sprinkle on others. Sharing from your cup helps add to your stash. When you light another candle by using your light, the room gets brighter. It’s magic. But giving away too much and not re-filling, leaves your cup empty. In this state, you’re out of fuel, stagnant, depressed and weary. It’s hard to find yourself when your cup’s low because when there’s little light, there’s little life. When you are empty and lost to yourself with little light to illuminate the way, connecting with others is super hard too. You can’t share what you don’t have. The world will continue to try and draw from your cup and not give you time to replenish if you let it. You were never meant to live unprotected and without light. Guard your light like your life depends on it because it does.

When our cup overflows, that’s joy. It pours all over the floor and soaks into everything around it. Decide what brings you joy and chase after it with a large net. Not only do we put out a ton of light when we’re in joy, it’s so much easier to see what is beautiful, wise and worthy when we feel joyous. This same light also teaches us what we need to do to fill up again. It may mean we need to be in solace, strengthen our boundaries, eat better, pray, socialize, exercise more, learn, disengage, self-advocate, sleep or create. We fill our cup when we know that all we can do is try our best to do our best. And that will always be enough. We fill our cups when we fight for the rights of others and their right to carry their own cup of light and shine brightly. We replenish so we have the strength to shine light on the ugly and bring it out of the darkness. If we want more light in the world, we have to dismantle what keeps it from others.

It may deplete me some when I muster courage, take chances, speak up and feel like the only candle in a room. But I know what to do to replenish. Sometimes it takes a while to fill my cup again. Sometimes I don’t want to do what I need to do and give from my cup because it can hurt and make me weary. But if I do not use what the the Divine has given me and hoard my light, then I give up on life. Fill your cup, share your light and trust that the Divine is always right there doling out a continuous pour of love just for you.

Questions/activities to ponder or good journal prompts!

  1. Think of a time when you felt moved by something within YOU? What happened? What did it feel like? Where did that movement take you?
  2. Recall a time when you ran from receiving someone else’s light. Why? What did you believe about being more open to love or light at that time?
  3. What does it feel like to you when you have given too much of yourself away? Note the warning signs reminding you to stop the drain and set the intention to listen.
  4. Why would some people keep others from shining their light?
  5. Do you trust that there is enough love and light for everyone? Why or why not?

Take a chance.

Take a chance.

by kimberly gruber ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

“Be bold, proclaim it everywhere: They only live who dare.” – Voltaire

We are not here to play it safe. If there are things that you’ve been meaning to do and you haven’t done them, ask yourself why. After all, you were born with a spirit of love and adventure. On your birthday, you were ready and equipped to get out there and live. You looked directly into the faces of those around you and searched for connection because that is what you were born to do. On a day when you were feeling especially brave, you stood upright, took a step or two and did not obsess over falling. You did it anyway. Remembering all this, it makes sense to ask right now, “What keeps me from taking chances now?” You did it as a baby and eventually ended up running and it changed everything. It gave you opportunity. It opened up the world to you.

We usually invite change and take chances when we’re itching for something different or are feeling uncomfortable. When we’re in that space of “Shit’s just not right”, that’s life telling us it’s time to look at things. Again. It means, we’re alive because accepting change and taking chances is what all living creatures must do to survive. Life will always push us to adapt and grow so we end up with a life well-lived. If we don’t take chances it’s impossible to get wiser, help others, collect an abundance of love and experience the world. Only through a leap of faith do new paths and opportunities present themselves. Doors will never open if you do not knock. Get brave and knock. You’ll be able to handle whatever’s on the other side. There’s a good chance it could be amazing.

When we don’t accept the challenge or take a chance we wilt like plants without light or water. We were not meant to remain indoors, safe and out of the elements. We have imagination and the ability to think outside the box for a reason. We have to get uncomfortable sometimes, look at things differently, figure stuff out while keeping our eyes on the light so we remain fed and steadfast. Taking chances means we jump, so strap on a parachute called trust. Scream if it’s required. The parachute of trust will guide you through your fall and the process of change until you land safely and find balance again. Wherever you end up, be open to opportunity and the options to grow and get stronger in a different way, in a different place. The more you practice taking a chance and trying something new, the richer the story of your life will become.

Walk – no, no, no – Run! What would you like to try, to change, to conquer? What would you do if you had no fear? What keeps you from leaving the “safety” of familiarity filled with things that will never take you to that next place. It’s possible that you could get hurt, lose something or just plain fall. But then you’ll never experience true love, expand your world, develop meaningful relationships and grow into your full potential. You will not develop into all that you were born to be scrolling through your phone for hours on end. It just will not happen. That’s playing it safe.

Start by taking baby steps. You knew what you were doing as a toddler, just do it again. Do one thing outside of your comfort zone. Just one thing. Believe that many amazing things will happen when you take a chance. If things don’t go as well as expected, you did not make a mistake. You practiced taking chances. You didn’t play it safe, you trusted yourself, you trusted in others and in the Divine. You grew, expanded your world, your perspective and probably experienced some pain too. You started a new journey that just had a slow start. You believed in you. The world is full of brave people that believed in themselves and didn’t allow hard times to rob them of all they wanted to do. They just believed. When you take a chance, you become a card-carrying member of this club. The brave, the scared, the rumpled, imperfect, world-changing lovers of life. Strap on the parachute and jump.

Questions/activities to ponder or good journal prompts!

  1. Do you ever feel in touch with your spirit of adventure? If so, what does it feel like and what does it nudge you to do? If it’s difficult to find this part of you, why is it hard to do so?
  2. What keeps you from taking chances now? How can you work with the obstacles before you?
  3. Are you in that space of not feeling content or unhappy? Why or why not? Have you been there before? What did you do about it?
  4. How can you step out of your comfort zone in a small way? How might you do so in a big way?
  5. Taking chances invites more experience and love into your life story. Connect some dots. What opportunities came about because you knocked?