Category: emotional processing

Open your fingers.

Open your fingers.

by kimberly gruber ♥ 2 Comments

She cupped her hands and extended them out before me. Her fingers were closed tightly so, whatever she was holding had no chance of slipping through her fingers. In her cupped hands, sat a pool of hot, bubbling anger. She told me that two years ago, she’d been severely bullied within the first month of moving into her new high school. She’d been taunted repeatedly in the hallways, excluded and ridiculed on social media. She ate her lunch in a bathroom stall for several months rather than endure being isolated and ridiculed in the cafeteria in front of all of her peers. That’s when the cutting and thoughts of suicide began. She just wanted the pain to stop. Another student in the school witnessed the bullying and she was moved to help. That brave soul invited her to sit with her crew in the cafeteria and a friendship developed. She believes it was that act of kindness that saved her life.

That experience took a toll on her. She was still suffering from what had happened to her a year later. The teen that sat before me had no sparkle in her eyes and no energy left to fight for her right to be here. As we began to work together to untangle what had happened, she slowly emerged from the darkest part of her despair. We talked a lot about what kept her tethered – albeit tenuously to this world. It was dance and the brave soul. Through dance and kindness, her pain was able to be seen and heard. Those things didn’t blame her for what was happening, tell her to just ignore the assholes or tell her it would get better. Those things said, “I see you and I hear you”, now come with me.

As she moved from self-hatred to self-acceptance by finding her worth and self-compassion, she began to heal. She discovered that for most of her remaining years in high school, she had identified herself as a victim. Her anger and hurt about what had been done to her had driven much of what she thought, did and said to herself. In her mind, holding onto the anger and hurt made the offenders “pay”. She held the anger tightly in her cupped, closed-fingered hands even though it burned and blistered her own palms. She wanted them to feel the pain she felt by keeping it alive in her. When it got too heavy and hot, she threw it at others or drank it just to have somewhere else to put it. I asked her what would happen is she just separated her fingers while cupping her hands. We could look at the scars the trauma left behind, but it would allow the rage to trickle from her cupped hands. Accepting the injustice of what happens to us as humans doesn’t have to define or run our lives. Yes, carry the pain so someone safe may be a witness to it too. But, carry it in cupped hands with open fingers and wait until it slips away. Trust that it will. This process is called feeling.

I watch her extend her cupped hands before me again. This time, with her fingers not pressed so tightly together. I told her I see what she holds and hear her story as to why it’s there. I stand with her as she waits for it to seep from her hands. She cries because it hurts and she cries because she has brought about the miracle of her own relief. She was getting back her power. She’s choosing to surrender to the hold the pain has on her and choosing to not be defined by it. She’s choosing to hold all she feels in her open-fingered hands and trust that what she carries will eventually slip through her hands. She’ll have battle scars but, she’s choosing to not let them be the only thing she reveals to this world. She learns there’s so much more to who she is than the scars that pain has left behind. Now, she has the energy and space to heal and find herself again. She dances, she cries, she creates and connects. Most importantly, she connects with herself using the tools of compassion, understanding and love. I’m an honored guest in the presence of a rebirth where there is laboring, pain, waiting and finally the emergence of a miracle. My heart dances with hers as I watch this courageous soul begin again.

Questions/activities to ponder or good journal prompts!

  1. What painful, past experience may dictate how you live today and in what way/s?
  2. What do you hold in your cupped hands and why is it so hard to open your fingers and let it go?
  3. Have you been able to share the difficulty of what you feel and what you hold? Why/why not?
  4. We all have wounds that require our attention so they heal. How do you foster your own healing?
  5. Have you ever experienced a rebirth or been in the presence of one who has done so? What have you learned?

On being positive.

On being positive.

by kimberly gruber ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

My mind often carries a lot of thoughts, ideas, feelings and worries that bounce around my head. I remember a yoga teacher talking about monkey mind and feeling affirmed that I now had a name for what so aptly suits what I experience sometimes. A monkey jumping around my head (usually there’s more than one monkey) and trying to track its movement slays my ability to focus. I do my best to take control of these monkeys. I envision pouring them into a funnel that sorts them by what I need right here, right now. Reciting “right here, right now” also helps calm these rascals into a more sedentary state. It’s my way of trying to stay mindful and focused on what is in front of me. It helps me prioritize what’s important, notice, process and help me handle what’s right before my eyes in the present moment. I can narrow my field of vision or expand it based on my assessment of what’s going on inside me, outside me and try to do the best I can to handle or enjoy whatever I’m feeling. To me, that’s exercising self-care, self-love and self-compassion all rolled together as one.

Sometimes the thoughts or feelings that I hold are heavy, painful and scary. I’m not a fan of staying “right here, right now” with tough feelings. But, despite the discomfort, I know I have to experience what is before me to build resilience and learn even when the struggle is very real. All feelings, whether easy or hard to handle, have value. I don’t have to like what I’m feeling, but I have to hold it anyway. I have to let this feeling move through me to teach me that I’m capable. When I do that, I’m reminded that tough things pass and I can pick myself up after the battle. I develop a first-hand experience of what it’s like to feel capable and positive about my abilities and the world around me. That type of positivity is different from the type that tells me to just push tough feelings away with positive feelings that I’m not experiencing at the time. Feeling truly positive isn’t developed by drowning myself in upbeat sentiments that I don’t feel and it isn’t developed by well-intending folks reminding me to appreciate all I’ve got. In fact, a lot of times it just makes me feel guilty or ashamed that I can’t shake my blues. A tough feeling is going to hang around until I work through it by acknowledging and handling uncomfortable. I know from walking through the trenches before that I will come out the other side. I know hard feelings don’t last, but when in those trenches, “thinking positively” is not what I need. I need to be reminded to buckle up and hold on. I need to acknowledge my struggle and carry a smidgen of hope at the same time. I need to focus on taking the next step, because that is my reality in the “right here, right now”. I don’t need to come down hard on myself for not feeling positive or grateful during my struggle. Optimism will come later when I emerge from the ashes battered but knowing that rising is part of my DNA. All I’ve learned and all I’ve endured allow me to feel truly positive that things will be okay because I’ve made it out okay before. I can be positive with others by reminding them that tough feelings pass only because I’ve stayed with struggle and seen it to be true. I’ll see you, hear you and tell you to hold on and that’s how we’ll both put more positivity into this world. I won’t force you to feel, I’ll encourage you to grip tightly and let you feel.

I hold on, close my eyes and breath even when its hard to catch my breath. I keep breathing because its all I can do right now. And that’s ok. It’s all I can do when monkeys are bouncing around my head or when I carry a bag of bricks called fear, worry, sadness or regret. But when I can, I try to remember what happens when I fall into whatever I’m feeling that’s hard to hold – that I can make it through. And when I fall into joy, gratitude, happiness and contentment, I’m reminded of how precious those moments truly are and feel grateful. I can’t force a feeling, I can only recognize what’s going on in me and feel it. And that’s all I have to do each and every moment of my life. I feel positive when I notice and remember that every detail of my journey matters because it builds the best version of me. That type of positivity is what carries me and keeps my fingers gripped tightly to the wheel when I’m just about ready to let go. I’m reminded after that hair-raising or weary experience of how strong I really am. All the feelings that come from that experience dance around in my head and make their way down the funnel. What drips out of the spout is hope and positivity. The kind that carries me and reminds me that when I see another trying to make their way through the fire, I send them positivity and hope by telling them I see their struggle. I share that all they need to do at that moment in time is to hold on and feel. Because, when we hold uncomfortable feelings and live to tell the story, positivity and hope will always find a way to rise up and shine.

Questions/activities to ponder or good journal prompts!

  1. When hit with “monkey mind”, how do you manage to discern what you are feeling or handle the many feelings at once?
  2. Do you believe positivity is built from struggle? Why/why not?
  3. Have you ever tried to feel something you don’t? How did it go?
  4. What types of feelings creep up on you when you’re told to be positive and you can’t?
  5. Sometimes just holding on is all any human can do until the tough times pass. What was that like for you and did it teach you a lesson in positivity? Why/why not?
Have faith and swim.

Have faith and swim.

by kimberly gruber ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

The storm has arrived and I can’t bail fast enough to overtake the torrent of water filling the vessel containing my heart. As I work hard to stay afloat, I see an approaching tidal wave of water carrying the debris that I threw overboard the last time this happened. And then I remember. The water that rushes over me and takes me under, doesn’t keep me under forever. I’ve survived floods before. I do the best I can to stay clear of the current that carries the flotsam I’ve discarded many times before. I don’t want to get entangled in the debris that does nothing to help me stay afloat. I’ve worked hard to do those things that help me stay strong and keep my eyes focused on the shoreline. I fight to remember those practices that keep me seaworthy. They remind me that I can handle stormy weather and bolster my faith that it’ll be okay. Storms come and go with some bringing more flooding then others, but I eventually make it to shore like I’ve done many times before. So, I tread water and hold on knowing the water recedes and wait for the current of hope to take me ashore. Maybe this is how God teaches me to become a stronger, better swimmer.

I don’t particularly enjoy the lesson, but I do the best I can to tread water and paddle until it gets better. I accept the life preservers thrown my way by God and the team of angels here and above that encourage me to keep floating. The thing is, I am the only one that can hold on and choose to swim to a safer place. No one can move my body for me. I’ve got to dig deeply into my reserves and find a way. There are always things I can do or choices I can make as I struggle. I think, I pray and I problem solve, because making it to dry land requires that I rely on my own gifts, wit and what worked in previous swims ashore. At times I pause, float on my back and wait. I close my eyes and pull energy from the sky until I’m ready to swim again. I’m catching my breath, accepting, hanging on and remembering there is still so much life and fight in me as long as I’m floating face up. I may emerge walking onto the shore or allow the tide to roll me along and dump me on dry land. Either way, I have the opportunity to emerge a stronger, better swimmer, wiser and water-logged until I dry out and shed the weight of my experience. It’s how I move onward again and again. Sometimes, I creep out of the flood pissed off too. But until that passes, I hope I’ve learned something new about myself and accept the cycle of feelings that course through me as a light filled soul having a human experience.

Keeping my eyes on the beacons of light help illuminate my swim to safety and give strength to my tired limbs. I notice others treading water, floating or swimming too. Their struggle may be easier or harder than mine this time. I offer words of comfort, love and encouragement as best as I am able. I am a witness to their swim as they are to mine, noticing that this human migration from the flood of hard feelings to feelings easy to hold, is a reoccurring part of being alive. I can ask questions about their swim, knowing every human being has the potential to find their way and there’s always a meaningful story to tell about our individual journeys to a better place. I will never be able to swim for anyone else. We’d just get tangled up in the debris that we’re each trying to shed so both of us can swim forward and forge our own way. I hope to remember to look all my fellow shipwrecked swimmers in the eyes with compassion, understanding and mercy and send the message that we can hold on. I hope to exude that faith with every stroke I take and feel grateful for those around me who feed my hope when I’ve lost it among the barnacles sucking me dry. It’s only by faith that I’m reminded that when we all make it back to the shore again and again, that we’ll all have a beautiful and amazing story to tell. Keep swimming.

Questions/activities to ponder or good journal prompts!

  1. Think about the last time you recall “being flooded” with a feeling/s that pulled you under? What were those feelings and what circumstance lead to their occurrence?
  2. What practices and/or thoughts help remind you that the flood will recede? What practices and/or thoughts sink you further?
  3. Why is waiting so hard sometimes? What encourages your willingness to not rush a process?
  4. Have you ever endeavored to “solve” the problems of those around you? How did that go?
  5. Do you have faith in yourself, others or a higher power? Why or why not?
Your humanity and healing.

Your humanity and healing.

by kimberly gruber ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Part of being a human is dealing with the hard parts of being human. There are times when the Band-Aid we apply to our emotional wound is just what we need to stop the bleeding. There are times when the Band-Aid laughs in our face, because it knows a tiny bit of gauze won’t do when a tourniquet is needed. The thing is, humans are responsible for figuring out what they need to help stop the bleeding and ease the pain. You do that by taking the time to listen to your own knowing. It’s helpful to talk to others about what works for them in their moments of trial, but it’s necessary to check in with yourself too and talk openly and honestly to see what’s going on. Understanding what helps in your healing means taking the time to know what salve to apply, what treatment to undertake and how much time you need to foster your own healing. Believing that you are worthy of that time and attention is where you have to start. We spend our time and energy on those things we deem valuable even when some of those things clearly do more harm for us than good. Look at what you use to cope and be sure it falls under the healing category and not the hurting category. Look at where you invest your time. Look at what you polish and shine. And make sure that you are a major recipient of those healing things, time, polish and shine. When you regularly practice caring for and loving every part of your own humanity, you will come to learn your own value and have a much easier time seeing it in others. You’ll start to just know with every bone in your body, that you deserve loving attention and time to heal just for being born. That is the birthright of every human being that graces this planet and no matter what, you will always be worthy of that promise.

When we’re physically wounded, we tend to give ourselves more understanding and time to recover. When our emotional wounds cause our suffering, our patience and understanding isn’t always what it should be considering our brokenness. The struggle for recovery from the things that hurt us emotionally is very, very real. Speeding through that healing and not taking the time to fully heal, may lessen the pain, but not move you into full recovery. You just go into remission. Physical and emotional healing is a step-by-step process. It requires grit and traveling to a place where you lay it all out and keep it very real. Sometimes it’s healing, then setback, followed by the same pattern until the bones knit back together or the soul stops aching when the wind blows. Humans in pain want to end the pain, because of how much it hurts. That makes sense. But, to recover from pain, you’ve got to listen to what your humanity is telling you to do, not what you’ve been conditioned to do. Being a human-doer to avoid, gloss over or quickly move through a process of healing may, at its best, only bring on remission. Allowing yourself to be a human being promotes a more complete healing step by painful step. In your human being-ness, you honor the time you need, the treatment you require and you take the pill of self-compassion as needed.

Being intentional in your search for respite when you need it, will sustain your recovery. Practicing strategies like pushing away negative thoughts and behaviors with positive thoughts and actions is one way to help keep you on track. Making time to meditate as a form of respite and learning may also help too. When you check your heart rate, just check your soul rate as well. We have all kinds of gadgets and gizmos that tell us how hard we’re working physically and help us monitor when to push and when to ease back. Doesn’t your emotional and spiritual health deserve some monitoring too? Put your hands on your heart, take some slow deep breaths and feel. That’s how you check your soul rate. Taking the time to monitor your human being-ness is how you check in to see and feel how hard you are working and when to push and when to ease back. Be honest with yourself. If you believe in the readings you receive from your physical health monitors, then by all means believe in what your soul is registering too. You may not like what it says all the time, but answers and healing abound if you take the time to look at it and listen. Let go of what you believe your healing timeline and progress should be and focus on what could be. You need patience, not pressure. You need hopefulness, not negativity. You need mercy, not judgement. You need self-love, not self-loathing. You need every part of your humanity to love, heal and grow to become all you’re meant to be, so do it in a way that benefits all of you. Value your human being-ness and give it the time, attention and love it deserves no matter how messy it gets. Bandage your soul with what you know it needs, so when it’s time to shine again, they’ll be nothing holding you back.

Questions/activities to ponder or good journal prompts!

  1. Are you aware of those things that you need to foster your own healing? Why or why not?
  2. Deserving love and attention is your birthright. What gets in the way of honoring that?
  3. Do you allow yourself more time/struggle to heal from physical wounds than emotional wounds? Why/why not?
  4. What’s the difference between always being a human-doer instead of a human-being?
  5. When do you fall into that space of “what should be” concerning your efforts or accomplishments? Does it add to or negate your efforts?

Thank you anger.

Thank you anger.

by kimberly gruber ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Anger can get a bad rap.  It’s gotten a sour reputation because of the way some people use it.  Every feeling we experience as humans serves a purpose.  But we tend to only express gratitude for those emotions that are easy to carry or feel good.  No one ever says, “Thanks anger, I’m glad you’re here!”  But it’s not anger that is the problem, it’s the way some people handle their anger.  If anger leads you to hurt yourself or others in fits of verbal assaults or physical battery, that was never anger’s reason for being. Anger’s reason for being is based on injustice.  You don’t have an anger management problem when you feel anger.  You have an anger management problem when you hurt others because you can’t deal with holding on to the anger long enough to look at it and figure out where it’s coming from.  It’s a hard feeling to dissect but when you’re finally strong enough to make friends with anger, that’s when you are able to see the light.  Anger causes us to look hard at why we’re angry and figure out a way to make it lessen or do something about it in a healthy manner.  Anger forces us to come out from under the covers and shine a light on why we feel the way we do.  Anger often leads us to let go of things we’ve been bearing way too long or question something we were never meant to carry.  Anger has the power to crack forged steel and let the light in allowing the dark cloud of blame and self-loathing to ooze out.  Anger teaches us that our story matters and deserves to be heard.  Thank you anger.

Right now there is a sea of discord and anger as the word “truth” is dismantled into a new meaning by people who want to reinvent its definition to suit their agenda.  Truth-changers are defining someone else’s story to make the world work solely for them.  Truth-changers attempt to prey on anyone who has been marginalized, oppressed or easy to take advantage of.  It happens a lot to children.  When these brave individuals tell their truth, tell their stories, talk about what hurts and try to do whatever they can to make the pain stop, the truth-changers label them. They are usually labeled crazy, irrational trouble-makers and assigned derogatory labels meant to keep them silent and feel “less than”.  Anger is an appropriate response to these actions. It highlights injustice and is there to protect us from being abused, belittled, oppressed and disregarded because it drives us to take action in the name of justice for self and others.  It’s why people raise their hands, open their mouths and march in protest.  Anger drives us to move from the sidelines and into the streets.  Anger moves us to say something despite the fear we feel about being judged or ridiculed. The Divine gave us anger to motivate us to step up for others, ourselves and this planet we call home.  People and the earth are shouting now because of injustice and listening is imperative. Because when you are prevented from telling your truth, your story or your perspective, the anger will not dissipate until you are heard.   Thank you anger.

Anger’s intent is never about clinging to what some believe is power at the expense of another.  That’s fear that drives that behavior.  It’s fear that causes the panic that tells another they are crazy or too loud and disregards a person’s truth.  Anger says, “This is not right.”  Fear says, “I’ll define what’s right” because it’s so scared of losing what it sees as its stronghold on power.  Who has more of what we need right now– the victim that tells their truth coming from a place of “this is not right” or the offender who says the victim is lying and attempt to change the truth so they can be right and keep up the status quo?  If anger leads us to shout, “This is not right” and inspires us to tell our truth despite having those in fear try to keep us silent, then let anger reign. Thank you anger. 

Speak your truth.  You are not crazy, selfish, out of control, irrational or being political.  Those are the words people in fear use to silence your story, your truth.  And if what you have to say causes conflict with another, then have that hard conversation.  Practice speaking your truth at an everyday level.  Be open about what you feel, see, or hear.  Meaningful change occurs when we speak our truth to one person at a time.  Confidence is never about a belief in one’s ability, it’s about being brave enough to have hard conversations. Confident people are the courageous people that disrupt patterns of thoughts, behaviors or just invite others to see things from their perspective or in a different way.  The confident are the courageous innovators that listen despite a lack of agreement and work towards a common solution for all.  They feel fear but are truth-tellers, not truth-changers.  Anger drives them to make things right in our everyday existence and not necessarily fight for being right.  This is what makes friendships, marriages, families and collectively conscious organizations function for the good of all its members.  Thank you anger.

When you tell your story, expect to get dirty.  The fearful fling mud at truth-tellers.  Wipe the mud off your face and keep talking despite how dirty you get.  Thank anger for driving you to tell your story.  Thank anger for giving you the courage to have hard conversations and do difficult things.  Thank anger for teaching you the importance of listening to everyone’s story because you know what it feels like to not be heard.  Thank the Divine for giving us hard emotions that remind us to freakin’ let go of fear because no matter what, we are all worthy and given the capacity to love despite thinking differently.  That’s the love that leads us to wipe the mud off the face of another because you believe in the power of hearing everyone’s truth.  You rock anger.  

Questions/activities to ponder or good journal prompts!

  1. Think about a time when you felt angry. What happened? How did you handle it?
  2. Anger is about injustice. Does that statement resonate with you? Why or why not?
  3.   Have you ever been labeled crazy, irrational and/or a trouble-maker because you’ve expressed anger? Looking back, were those labels justified or did your anger make sense?  
  4. Confident people are courageous people who speak or act despite fear. Have you ever acted in this manner? Why or why not?
  5. How can you start speaking your truth one person at a time? Create an intention to do so.
Untangle the blob.

Untangle the blob.

by kimberly gruber ♥ 2 Comments

Lately, I don’t even know what I’m feeling. My emotions swirl around inside my body like a black blob leaving me tired, restless, agitated, angry and in a prolonged state of unease. I guess I do have an idea of what I’m feeling. It’s just too much at one time. The black blob is outside my body too and fills the space with a heaviness that is pushing against all who are in its midst. I know I’m not alone in trying to deal with this collection of hard feelings that come at me all at once. I recognize the turmoil in many of the faces around me.

It may be time to take apart this black blob and really look at what makes up its being. It’s just not fun. We spend so much time trying not to look at those emotions that are hard to feel or make us uncomfortable. We anesthetize ourselves with faulty thinking and use things or do things to keep us numb and avoidant from seeing the truth. Picking apart our emotional chaos and putting it under a microscope is hard work and does not come naturally. We are a species that works very hard to avoid pain even though pain usually has taught us something in the past. So, if we want this black blob to stop hanging around, we have to dismantle it and name all its pieces to try and figure out what’s going on. It’s easier to deal with something difficult when we know what we’re dealing with by looking at all its parts. That’s how we strip the black blob of its power.

Start by looking at your blob of emotion and start naming what’s there, what you’re feeling. Is it sadness, fear, anger, joy, disgust, love and/or grief? Start by identifying just one emotion – name it. Next, describe exactly what you’re feeling. Go crazy with your list of adjectives. It helps. Finally, try to understand why you are feeling the way you’re feeling. Why is this feeling there? What happened that might have led to this feeling? Is there a story around this feeling that I need to think about? Take the time to pause, think and decide how to take care of yourself as you work through what’s going on. This is a way you can take control of what you’re feeling and give yourself the time to think about how you will handle it. Taking time to analyze your feelings helps you make sense of your experiences and work with them. This is self-care at its finest and is equal in value to the air we breath and the water we drink. Honor yourself enough to learn about how your feelings influence your life, the lives of others and whether or not to do something about it.

I know there are emotions in your blob that are way less painful than others. Some are supportive in reminding us to be grateful and appreciative. It just may be hard to see them right now. Seek them out and look at them under the same microscope you used before to identify the hard emotions – name them, describe them and understand their stories. They will speak to you of joy, optimism, love, acceptance, courage, awe and trust. This list could go on. These feelings will work with you to dismantle the black blob piece by piece and encourage you to start rolling up your sleeves and get to work. These feelings remind you that you have everything you need to exercise some control on those days when you believe you have none. They fall under the umbrella of hope which is the rocket fuel you’ll need to work through hard feelings and their sources. Hope has already woven itself into your story because you are here. Have a conversation with hope about how the two of you are going to depend on each other to take back some control, develop some self-awareness and support those around you. Black blobs beware.

Questions/activities to ponder or good journal prompts!

  1. Does the “black blob” create an image in your mind that makes sense? Why or why not?
  2. What part of your “black blob” is hard to look at? Are there emotions present that are creating uncomfortable feelings and angst? Why?
  3. What do you do to keep yourself from looking at stuff that may be painful? How do you “anesthetize” what you are feeling?
  4. Is it hard to name, describe and understand what you are feeling? Being present and practicing this process usually helps. How does becoming more adept at this process help with self-awareness and self-care?
  5. All feelings teach us something whether they evoke pain, pleasure or something in between. Do you believe this? Why or why not? What have you learned?