I could feel Chloe’s fatigue and sadness fill up the room. She came to me because she couldn’t shake the parasitic gloom that was draining her soul and body. She was so tired of wearing a happy mask and its accompanying persona that didn’t match how she really felt most days. As Chloe talked about her life and the opportunities she’d been given, tears began to roll down her face. She felt guilty for feeling the way she did adding another layer to her sadness. Chloe described a cycle of thoughts and feelings that had a power over her affecting every aspect of her life – high standards of self, unmet expectations, followed by harsh criticism and ending with feeling like she was never enough. This loop played out through much of Chloe’s life and had become so deeply embedded into who she believed she was, that Chole had little hope that she would ever feel like a whole, capable person. The truth is, Chole is and will always be enough. Finding her way to that truth and clutching that tightly to her chest, was the work Chloe needed to do. She was only seeing the loop of lies that had morphed into an invasive vine that covered every inch of her truth, her soul, her light. Chloe defined herself by the vine that ensnared her and not by what was underneath. This vine kept Chloe from expanding beyond its tightly woven stems, leaves and tendrils keeping her contained and afraid by telling her she’s never going to be enough. The vine and its continuous audio loop of lies was strangling her. This left Chloe weak and obedient, a captive to its strength and deception. The vine was thriving and Chloe wasn’t.

To cut back the vine, Chloe needed to find her truth by learning to speak her truth. Her work began by looking at what fed the vine and what fed her light. Chloe’s light was waiting to be drenched in love and truth so it could radiate, grow and eventually burn away the ensnarled vine that kept it covered and contained. So, we started with words. What words feed the vine and what words feed the light? Words are powerful weapons or sources of healing that need to be chosen wisely. Chloe began to examine the words she typically used to speak to herself. Do they resonate with compassion, kindness and understanding? Do they denigrate, judge, compare or belittle? Are they really true? Whether Chloe believed or felt the loving words that came from her light’s vocabulary or her true self, she began the practice of using them anyway. Chloe took on the hard work of helping her brain create new pathways or new ways of thinking by using words of healing and love to keep her connected with her true, light-filled self. The habitual act of choosing words of healing and hope is helping Chloe become one with her light and starving the vine of deception. For Chloe, after years of telling herself she wasn’t good enough, she continues to work hard at choosing self-talk that leads her back to her own light. Busting out is a bloody battle because forging new ways of thinking and doing when the vine is gripping your ankles and pulling you back into old patterns requires a strength like no other. So, Chloe grips tightly to a machete made up of truth to cut away the vine when battle fatigue sets in and she gives into old patterns of thinking and believing. Chloe is not only learning new ways of speaking to herself but, what she needs to do to stay strong and resilient so she can fight for her truth every single day.

The vine will never go away completely and will try to manipulate her thoughts to stay in control. For Chloe, that meant she had to look to the sources that led to her destructive thoughts and beliefs and identify how she may use her strengths to improve her self-awareness, self-compassion and understanding. Years of deeply ingrained lies were fueled by superficial friendships, comparison with others and fed Chloe’s feelings of lack. Moving away from any source that promotes the type of comparison that leaves Chloe feeling less than, needed to be burned to the ground and doing so gets messy and hard. What helps keep us afloat is seeing the sacred in our own honest, disheveled and authentic humanity. And that is the source of all beauty. Anyone or anything that encourages Chloe to believe life’s not those things or shouldn’t be those things, feeds the vine. So, that means Chloe has to examine her life and relationships through the lens of self-love while being one with her own humanity. Belonging is essential to building resilience and healing but the type of connection matters. Chloe is teaching the world how she deserves to be treated by maintaining healthy relationships and letting go of or setting boundaries for the relationships that are not. And I know what’s around the corner for Chloe if she keeps on this path. As Chloe works every day to cut away the falsehoods and things that don’t serve her, she’ll attract others who work hard to do the same. Beautiful, meaningful connections are born only when honest, messy unencumbered lights shine individually and as one. It’s tough trusting and waiting on that type of relational healing, especially when you’ve never had it. It’s why faith and a belief that things can get better are a huge part of Chloe’s work too.

So, I sit in awe as I watch Chloe fight for her right to be human and not perfect. I watch her navigate the relationship she has with herself and her relationships with others as she tries to make sure presence, supportiveness and nurturance are integral parts of that connection. Chloe continues to battle. But there’s honesty and beauty in this space and I know why she fights so hard to free her light – because she’s growing in the belief that she matters. With each painstaking effort she makes and every time she shows up in my office to untangle the vine and fight for her very soul, Chloe has tapped into that space that is calling her by her true name – daughter of light, truth and love.

Questions/activities to ponder or good journal prompts!

1. We all have vines that require our attention so they don’t invade our garden of light. What thoughts or actions feed your vines?
2. If it persists and is given space to grow, the vine may truly drain us physically, mentally and spiritually. Why is that so? What can you learn from that experience?
3. The daily habit of tending to our truth and cutting back the vine is hard work. What practical changes could you make to keep your own, beautiful, worthy light shining brightly?
4. Think back to a time when your light shone brightly and unhindered. What did that feel like?
5. Meaningful relationships are messy and beautiful and cannot survive without truth. In what ways does that statement speak to you?