I remember many years ago hearing a celebrity say, “I have no regrets.” Hmmm. I can’t say I agree. To say you’ve never felt badly about anything you’ve said or done indicates to me no remorse. If you think communally, remorse must be present. Regret serves a purpose in the human experience because we are imperfect and make mistakes. By holding ourselves accountable, we learn, grow and practice vulnerability. It may be the catalyst for change leading to better and more honest relationships. It allows us to practice being courageous. It takes guts to shine the spotlight on what we know we could have handled better. When someone tries to makes things right, they are attempting to repair and foster connection. Feeling connection even when we’re angry, hurt or disappointed in ourselves or others, allows us to feel less alone or understood or forgiven. Feeling remorse and searching for forgiveness or asking for forgiveness, gives us the opportunity to deepen our relationships. And if there’s no connection, or the relationship does not feel safe, then regret may teach us to move on.

Maybe the celebrity was talking about a different type of regret. There’s the regret we feel when we’ve made a choice in our lives that did not meet our expectations. We took a chance, revealed our soul and said goodbye to something safe, predictable and familiar. We actually listened to the voice inside us that said it was time to move on, change things up, try something new, be courageous. There’s struggle after the heroic effort of jumping the tracks. Typically, that’s when regret comes knocking and we best kick it to the curb. This type of regret prevents us from looking at all the open doors available to us because we chose to make a change. This type of regret grabs our face and forces us to stare at the door we chose to close because we want a new path, a second chance, a new beginning. This type of regret reminds us of only the good aspects of what we left behind which surge into our brain when we struggle during our new normal. Go to battle with this type of regret by naming it instead of denying it doesn’t exist. This type of regret is often called fear and/or shame. If we don’t name it, we can’t work with it.

Shame-based regret happens when we question ourselves, our core being, our worthiness. That happens sometimes when the struggle involves us taking a chance, putting it on on the line and a pie hits us in the face. Here’s how we armor up and fight for our worth. We acknowledge our bravery, we recognize that when we forge a new path in the wilderness it requires blood, sweat, tears and a machete to chop away what hinders us. We recognize all the space before us, the hands on our backs that support us and believe that everything we’ve packed for our journey will provide sustenance. Here’s what to pack: faith, hope, willpower, courage and the ability to get up and rise every time a pie hits you in the face. Most importantly, don’t forget to pack the belief that the Divine has amazing plans for you that you never could have seen coming. There are so many open doors before you. So many that it leaves you little time to focus on the closed doors you’ve left behind.

Questions/activities to ponder or good journal prompts!

1. Think of a time when you held yourself accountable with another. Did your action foster change in you? If so, in what ways?
2. Do you feel connection with another when you offer forgiveness? Why or why not?
3. Have you regretted any choice you’ve made that has evoked shame?If so, how has the shame affected your well-being or you ability to move on?
4. Does regret plague you concerning a choice you’ve made that you know was for the best? Why?
5. Why do we focus on what we’ve lost instead of keeping our eyes on the open doors before us? Are there moments when this occurs more often? Are there moments when this occurs less? Why and/or when?