Stepping Stones and the In Between.

Stepping Stones and the In Between.

by kimberly gruber ♥ 2 Comments

We don’t ever arrive at a final destination and pitch our tent for life.  We just make our way through this world moving from stepping stone to stepping stone. As we move along, we eventually tumble into the space between each stone until we work our way out onto the next solid rock.  This space in between each stone is where we spend time working and moving a few steps forward, a step or two back, up, down or we just remain stuck.  The “in between” space is where we process what’s going on in this section of our lives by waiting and practicing all we need to do to grow stronger and hold on until we’re able to move to that next space that feels a bit more solid, sturdy and steadfast. All this rummaging through, examination and the development of new skills and practices is not without some sweat, frustration, hurt and tears.  The “in between” space can feel unbalanced, messy, dull or even feel like sinking quick sand but acts as a mini or major springboard to get us out and eventually on to some semblance of solid ground.  We either choose to work hard to get to the next stone or stay where we are and keep holding on until something inside us says it’s time to try something new.  At some point, if our awareness and courage are intact, we just know we need to get to a place different from where we are now, because where we are, isn’t working or just doesn’t feel right for us anymore. 

The desire to move to a new place is in us from the start or we’d never learn to pull ourselves up as babies and walk.  After all the growth brought on by our fitful attempts to get it right in the “in between”, we need that next stepping stone to help us slow down our breathing and our minds long enough to see how much we’ve grown and dream about what could be next now that we can walk.  We need this reprieve to reflect on how far we’ve come and look at the wisdom we’ve gathered along the way from our time spent in the process of living this life in the “in between” space.  We need to feel the contentment of what we’ve accomplished and feel gratitude for those who helped us to hold on when we felt lost and unstable while standing on a pile of shifting sand. 

I picked up a cracked robin’s egg on my walk this morning.  The beautiful God-made color of that egg and the mixture of strength (after all it did fall from a nest high up in a tree!), fragility and the messy remnants of what it once held got me thinking about the importance of the “in between” space.  Life grew in that gorgeous, robin’s-egg-blue space and it was beautiful, fragile, strong and messy.  Life sat in an egg, high in a nest, tended, growing and semi-safe waiting until it got too bored and too big for its container.  Life didn’t stay constricted in that “in between” space until it could no longer move at all and eventually wither away.  It made the decision to bust out and take a chance on that next stepping stone.  That mixture of miracle, guck, growth and time worked its magic to form a new, tiny creature that emerged with unsteady wings and not quite ready to fly.  It was tender, needed to practice new skills, wait, take chances and required care from others (momma bird, trees, nest, sunlight, worms!).  It’s how that bird grew and got stronger so it could get to a safer place in the air and just soar for a bit and take it all in until the next “in between” comes along.  I know predators abound and take advantage of the innocent and vulnerable states found in the “in between”.  But never trying to make it through this space and move forward will get us and birds nowhere.  Never trying is an ending in and of itself. 

Broken shells tumble to the ground while others pieces remain in our nests as reminders that we can grow and become bigger, stronger and more capable than what we could have imagined.  We can bust out of what contains us, work through the process of growth and move on to that next stone. Here we feel confident because of what we’ve done and soar the sky contently, gratefully and joyously.  We rest and recover on this stone too because we’ve learned our time of change will come along again and again making recovery essential. Arrival is never about pitching your tent for long but all about looking to the horizon for that next place you may land and being present- in all spaces- with the messy miracle of you along the way.

Let’s be clear.

Let’s be clear.

by kimberly gruber ♥ 2 Comments

I was with my daughter on the day women lost their constitutional right to govern their own bodies. My 26 year-old daughter looked at me and said, “Look what your generation has done to the lives of all the young people in this country. Everyone has guns, mass shootings are the regular, the planet is dying and now women have no freedom when it comes to our bodies. All this brought about by people claiming to be Christians. It’s why my generation wants nothing to do with the Christian church and religion.” She saw the pain on my face as I felt her losses and the losses experienced by so many people in our country, yet again. It’s too much to hold sometimes – all this oppression and violence, particularly geared towards the marginalized people in our country, brought about by a group of people fearful of losing their power-over status. My face must have moved her to say, “Let me be clear, mom. I know it’s not you.”

So, let me be clear about Jesus. The folks who call themselves Christians and refuse to do anything to address the gun violence in our country, end oppression in any form or do anything about the poor stewardship of our planet, are worshipping a Jesus I know nothing about. The Jesus I know never said, “You know what we need to fix this? More guns! In fact, let’s give them to teachers” or “Screw the poor and oppressed and forget about their history of bondage and trying to make it right” or “Only people who are straight are invited to this table” or how about, “Who gives a shit about the planet?” The Jesus I know abhorred violence, injustice in any form, shared really well, found beauty in the natural world and talked a lot about love. The Jesus I worship implored his followers to look for the source of the cancer, the inequality in the overall system, address the pain it’s causing and tried his best to teach us how we can harness love for ourselves and each other to get us to a better place. It’s gooey but it’s solidly the Jesus way, the Christian way. Period. So let’s be clear, not all Christians are promoters of violence, greed and keeping their power-over model. Daughter, they are not part of the Jesus party that I attend or took you to attend as a kid.

I’m working hard to use my anger in a way that propels me to see where we go from here and what to do while keeping a tight death grip on hope. I know that things need to break before we rebuild as this is the order of things in the natural world and typically how meaningful change occurs in our human experience. It’s just devastating to know that the breaking includes the shattering of lives, truly at the hands of a few, until real change occurs and it takes time. So what do those who work towards justice using the Jesus model do? They start conversations with people they don’t understand, they work hard to push out love, they invite everyone to the table, they work hard to support those who need it, they fall, they dance and they feel everything because Jesus felt everything. He got mad, he got tired and he wept. Jesus celebrated too. He showed up at festivities with vats of wine because he knew the importance of fostering joy as a ways to connect with him, each other and recharge for whatever comes next. And he kept on going standing behind the same message until he was nailed to the cross. Love one another.

So daughter, history has shown us that there will always be those who use the title of Christianity to promote oppression, racism, homophobia, sexism, inequality and the destruction of this beautiful earth. There will always be people that will justify taking away the rights of others and even killing all in the name of Jesus. These same people will always take things out of context when referencing the bible, not critically think about the culture during Jesus’s time and pick and choose biblical verses that suit them so they maintain their power. You’re smarter than that and have way too much love for people, all people. You’ve been blessed to travel this world to know that fixing all this starts with realizing that we all want the same thing and denying those basic rights from others is not the Jesus way. I’m scared and you’re scared but the Christians who know nothing about Jesus are scared too. They’re afraid to leave their bubble, step out of their comfort zone, lose their power-over, invite new perspectives and will not accept that change is an opportunity to become better at something and going to happen whether they like it or not. They’re not buying into the Jesus model of promoting justice for all because that would mean they’d be forced to see the God in everyone and do things like care, share and sacrifice for love. I don’t discount how hard that is because I see that shadow side in me. I know how hard it can be to see God in all of them too but I won’t stop trying.

Loving some people is freakin’ hard. Jesus didn’t have an easy time with that either and told us to do it anyway. But do not give up on all the things that Jesus stood for – especially your spiritual life because of the actions of a few who use the word Christian for political gain. You and all your friends have the power to find a spiritual home where love is first on the list whether it be a temple, a mosque, a church or a gathering in the park where a collection of caring humans work together to find a better way for all of us and not give up. Even when you all don’t agree. Don’t let those who oppress others, steal hope from you, your friends or anyone who fights for justice. The creative nature of youth will serve you well and allow you to creatively serve one another. You all will find a way.

And let’s be clear about some important stuff to remember and keep us going. The work is grueling and change is often incrementally small. It often looks like the three steps forward one step back situation which allows you to get somewhere as long as you don’t stop. Not all men are here to promote the patriarchy. In fact many are working to dismember it and have been standing with women now more than they ever have. Moved-to-make-a-difference people have not exited the planet. In fact, I’ve seen the anger of those committed to causes that work to eradicate injustice kickstart some movements or reignite some movements that are oldies but goodies that may bring about meaningful change. The educational levels of women are surpassing that of men and this is great news. We need more intelligence and critical thinking in this world topped off with a dose of female wisdom which tends to lean more towards the “power-with” model. Kindness and love for others is still alive and kicking. Just keep your eyes open for it. Honor and learn from those who know all about oppression and still remain standing as they work for justice and see how far they’ve come and how far they have to go. Stand with them please. Oh and let’s scare the shit out of the oppressors – become more civically engaged and vote in every election. Not just for you and me but for the love of others and all that is good. Vote like Jesus would.

A brave choice.

A brave choice.

by kimberly gruber ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

My nephew and his wife from halfway around the world, just had a baby. In a noisy world with many fighting for the acceptance of new ways, this may be considered a brave choice. And every once in awhile, I’m part of a conversation where folks question why anyone would have a baby now when humanity continues to struggle so mightily at getting it right. And more often than not, unyielding hope leans in and helps me push back real hard on that mindset and the fear attached to it. For now, I’m choosing to notice and learn from the 8lb miracle that is before my eyes by way of a video chat. He’s fresh from heaven and outfitted with the truth that we all lose sight of sometimes – we are miracles and fully equipped to live out that truth. As soon as we emerge from momma’s body, we fight to live because we inherently know that living out the miracle of who we are and what we are meant to do, is our birthright. And when the injustice in our world makes it hard for us to create a meaningful life here on earth, we make a lot of noise and things – rightfully so – can get real messy. Just like the cues and lessons found in nature, new life fights to make its way in this world, live out its purpose and become beautiful reflections of love. Rough weather, choruses of protest against hate, the single plant that makes it way through concrete, a squawking baby crying to be fed or the single voice that perseveres in daily acts of resistance against injustice, does so in attempt to get our attention and make things right. When people mess with the planet and our ability to live out our birthright and give us what we need to survive, there will be noise. So, if the world is in flux because the brave are fighting for their right to live and love freely, and the planet is making a lot of noise because it’s fighting for its life too, then let the upheaval begin. It’s what needs to happen to get our attention and spur us on to get it right. That’s what a baby would do.

If you need a break from the noise that comes from the creation of a new life and new ways, then recover and show up again when you’re rested so you don’t burnout and lose your voice. Remember – babies are the ultimate manifestation of hope. They need naps too so they can rest and then continue to make noise again when something is needed for their survival. Hope screams “I’m here, I’m not leaving and I’ve got a job to do” and continues to make noise because it’s always aware of what could be. New life remembers it’s a treasure trove of gifts that got filled to the brim while it waited in heaven for its big debut on earth untainted by those on earth who attempt erase that knowledge. Hope shines a light on our treasure troves, believes in miracles and the power of connection too. It’s why sunrises and baby giggles have the power to connect by way of wonder and love, becoming the perfect fuel to sustain us as we muddle through those life moments that feel really hard. It’s hope that pushes a sculptor to approach rough granite and fight through layers of hard rock because she knows there’s something even more miraculously beautiful than what she sees and it’s always worth fighting for. Pummeling stone gets loud, messy and hurts but the sculptor doesn’t give up because she believes in unearthing what could be. She simply dons protective gear and deals with all the dust and debris that flies while she creates. She gets tired, frustrated and cries when things don’t go as planned but she doesn’t stop until she gets it right. She keeps at it because she has to uncover what her mind and heart know as truth. That what lies deep inside the rough stone – a new creation, a new perspective and a physical revelation of the Divine in this world is always tucked somewhere among the debris.

We all know what it’s like to stand in the dust surrounded by messy diapers. That’s what happens when you hang out with the Divine in a room called Hope mining for miracles, freedom and love. Questioning, scrutinizing and picking apart all the layers of injustice and pain embedded in the fabric of our world and families gets messy. But we wouldn’t put ourselves through that if we didn’t have hope in ourselves and each other. Sometimes it’s hard to feel hopeful when pain weighs us down and we easily slip into the dark space of cynicism. Crawling out from under the heavy blanket of negativity and hopelessness is no easy feat. Injustice and pain are the thorns embedded in the fabric of that blanket and army crawling out from under that is going to hurt. Even when we choose thoughts and behaviors that are not serving us to get out from under, this is a form of screaming and crying and not giving up. It’s how we adapted given our life circumstances and how our body and mind accommodated to escape the pain. Hope reminds us that we have the ability to develop new ways of being seen and heard if we just keep digging and unearthing what could be. Flowers grow in the desert despite drought, dry soil and rough terrain. It can’t be easy busting through all that. But its mission is stronger and much more formidable than what it has to push through and it’s fueled by hope. A miracle’s job is to shine and work with other miracles in the terrain because it inherently knows interdependence is part of what keeps the ecosystem alive and working for all creatures. It pushes, questions, breaks down, moves ahead with what’s working and unloads and unlearns what promotes harm. When you stop witnessing this struggle and you stop making noise, then you’ve lost sight of hope. Exhaust every resource you have to pull yourself out of the tar pool of apathy and hopelessness and immerse yourself in the sweet water of joy and wonder. Go find a baby and observe how the tiniest and seemingly most powerless creature holds the whole world in their hands because they are fresh from love, amazing beacons of light and making noise because they know they matter. They remind us to fight and live for what they embody and that, right there is real power. It’s a brave choice called hope.

Questions/activities to ponder or good journal prompts!

  1. Recall one of your first memories of “making noise” even if the noise you made wasn’t loud or wasn’t the best way to serve you or others, reflect on why you did what you did? Was hope involved whether you were aware of that or not?
  2. How do you discern if how you exercise disrupting a pattern of thoughts/behaviors to work towards a better way actually serves you or others?
  3. When were you that single plant fighting its way through concrete? What did that feel like? What did you learn about yourself and others?
  4. What does hope teach us? How do you foster it in others?
  5. Explain how you see all living things in their time here on earth as living proof that hope is in all of us and an integral component of who we are. Use the opposite meaning of hope in your contemplation.

Salt.

Salt.

by kimberly gruber ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Oceans cover about 70% of the earth’s surface and carry a compound that was once used as currency, adds flavor, preserves food and helps maintain balance in the body. It’s called salt and this is the short list of its uses. I’m not the only one who’s used salt to make a point about what brings meaning to our travel on this planet. Jonathon had been telling me week after week how he felt like a tiny speck floating in a sea of chaos and discord, unable to change the tide in his life or make a difference in the lives of others. He explained how he couldn’t stop himself from readily absorbing all the pain in this world and how he felt hopeless about so much of what he was seeing and his ability to create a positive change. As we dug a little deeper, I learned that as a kid, Jonathon grew up in a house filled with chaos and recalls trying in a kid-like-way to change things but, nothing he tried to do made things anything any better. So, he made himself smaller. He learned that in smallness, he felt safer. But as he shrank into a tiny speck, his belief in his effectiveness as a single human making his way in this world shrank too. We started by recognizing it’s never a child’s job to make things right in the lives of the adults around them nor would a child ever be able to do so. I understood why he stayed tiny and under the radar. However, another way of thinking about the true effectiveness of a single speck needed to be added to Jonathon’s repertoire of beliefs. And unearthing the deep-rooted belief that a single speck lacks agency and value needed to be called out on its shit. That’s how we got talking about salt.

A speck of anything, a single movement in thought, behavior or in the atmosphere can change everything. Jonathon worked hard to start taking notice of this. We recalled together how a meal without enough salt lacks flavor and doesn’t bring a whole lot of excitement to your taste buds. Add just add a pinch of specks called salt and everything changes in that simple meal. I don’t know exactly how or why it changes, I just know it does. I know it gives savory more depth and a few specks can make sweet a touch sweeter. Because of salt, it’s a lot more fun to eat. A tiny pinch of salt has significance because of the huge impact it may have on the overall creation of a delicious meal from start to finish. To be one person in a movement for positive change is how we start to shift the tide and get us all to a better place – whether it be an individual thought, a couple, a family, a neighborhood or a community. To be one speck in a pinch of a few, changes bland to tasty and to be one speck in a group of a few can move us from to despair to hopefulness. Noticing just one spectacular sunrise after a spell of darkness transports us to where hope hangs out with wonder. And being present in that tiny, singular miracle adds just enough to lift to lead us to a better place.

It took some time for Jonathon to see the power found in a speck of something. And that made sense considering what he carried and the harm imposed on him as a child. He was finding success in making small, singular changes in his thinking, responses and behaviors and that was making a difference in his overall belief in all he can do in this world. There’s a lot to learn from the power of trashing a speck of something and adding a speck of something else to bring about healthy life changes. Stopping to dig that one small pebble out of my sneaker and tossing it makes my morning walk a lot better. Adding the intention of being present with what’s right now and what I’m able to do with what’s right before me, can also make my walk a lot better too. While the weight of the world gets heavy sometimes, I rarely find agreement in the sentiment that a single movement in my thoughts or actions can’t make a difference because, I’ve lived long enough to know it does. Our effectiveness and value isn’t always measured in the big changes we bring about, but the collection of individual ways we make a difference every day in our own lives and the lives of others. The times we show up, the hard things we do, the beautiful thing we witness, the pain we overcome and the moment of compassion we extend to another add meaning to our lives and the lives of others. The simple act of adding salt to something has the power to preserve, heal, keep things afloat, help draw out impurities and make it all taste so much better. You are that much needed salt that can change things for the better if you choose to do so.

Maybe you need to find respite from this world sometimes by taking a break and staying small. That’s okay. Just don’t stay small for too long or it may become hard to find your saltiness again. When you emerge, take it one step at time, one page at a time and one grain at a time creating a collection of moments that have the power to change everything starting with the single speck of you. The real, messy and beautiful speck of you is just the salt we all need.

Questions/activities to ponder or good journal prompts!

  1. When have you felt like “a speck floating in a sea of chaos”? What was going on in that moment? What may have led you to believe that you have little value and no chance of bringing about change?
  2. When have you felt like an important, valuable, single grain in a group of other grains? What was going on in that moment? How did your thinking and experience reinforce the belief that you have value and agency?
  3. Recall an experience where one, small thing made a difference to you or those around you. Was it a shift in your perspective, something you noticed or something you did? What happened?
  4. What is the pebble in your shoe that you need to remove right now to make your walk a little better?
  5. What is one small shift in your thinking that could make a difference in how you view yourself and all you are capable of doing?
Her true story.

Her true story.

by kimberly gruber ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Some pieces were coming together and she was getting pissed. She’d spent many years trying to figure out who she was and why external validation had played such a big role in her life keeping her from her truth. So, we dug. As a baby, her father had spent two years living away at college while she and her mother stayed home supported by extended family. She became a major source of comfort for her mother while her husband was away. This dynamic laid the groundwork for she being thrust into the role of being responsible for her mother’s happiness. And as dad returned and other children came along, her mother grew uncomfortable with her daughter’s natural need for independence. She remembers feeling acutely shy and scared as a child outside the circle of her mother who taught her to never dare think about leaving the safety of her mother’s care. Her mother needed to feel needed.

As the daughter grew, she bravely began to tap into her own power and at moments, strive for independence. Supported by others and her own inner voice, she knew deep down that this was the natural order of things. This created chaos and fear for her mother who based all her value on needing to be needed. And each time the daughter fought for herself and her autonomy, her mother frantically scrambled to remind the daughter that she wasn’t able to go it alone untethered from satisfying the needs of her mother. The daughter began to see how her mom lacked confidence in her own ability to fall, struggle and rise and how that affected their relationship and the daughter’s ability to build her own life. If the daughter accomplished her own rising, her mom wouldn’t be needed as much and feel left behind. As the daughter began to learn from her own falls that she can overcome, the mom sometimes became jealous of her daughter’s new found abilities and growth adding to her mom’s panic and need to control her daughter’s choices. So, the mother became a master at emotionally manipulating her daughter to become what the mother needed to feed her own sense of worthiness. And to feel safe and not emotionally abandoned, the daughter straddled two worlds – one where she became whatever her mother wanted her to be and one where she was learning to breath the air of her own inner voice and wisdom. How the daughter adapted based on her relationship with her mother and her inner Knowing were in conflict with each other. This is why she sat across from me working hard to uncover the truth of who she really is and not who she became to feel loved and accepted by her mom and the world around her. She was ready to let go of the weight of who others wanted her to be so she could find the space to write her own story.

Throughout her life, the daughter’s Knowing knocked hard and she often listened because she knew there was another way. Sometimes she answered that knock because of other people in her life that encouraged her to do so. They saw her value and light and didn’t withdraw their love or scoff and ridicule her for shining. Never underestimate the power of angels on this earth. Their belief in the daughter and their unconditional love and acceptance played a big role in guiding her towards independence. It kept her in the game despite being told she was a bad daughter for not being what her mother needed. So, the daughter is learning to go back in time and recognize all the emotional abuse she experienced and tell herself that who she was then and who she is right here and right now will always be enough. What the daughter needed to hear growing up, must be spoken now – that by shining your own light, unfettered by the criticism of others may be hard to do, but it’s your birthright bestowed upon you by the Divine just for being born. The world needs the daughter’s light and others who manipulate it for their own needs is never okay. There will never be more heaven on earth if you mess with a story of wonder and light that’s been authored by the Divine.

As the daughter courageously fought for independence and moved into adulthood, she recalls feeling stronger and more capable. That process got real messy at times but she’s learning that fond memories of her relationship with her mom has kept her going too. The daughter decided to reserve a place in heart for her mother that housed compassion, understanding and forgiveness as she remembered her mother was living out how she was hurt and how she was taught. The daughter is working to practice more gratitude by keeping the best of her mom and tossing the rest. The daughter still sometimes gets wrapped up in the role of what her mother needs at the time – a confidant, a parent, a fixer – when her mother’s life and ability to cope crumble. But now, when the daughter falls into the trap of becoming who her mother needs at the time, she understands why anger courses through her body. She’s working through this by remembering that when her validation comes from outside of herself, she will always be in constant misalignment with who she really is and a lot of hard to hold feelings and maladaptive behaviors may emerge. She’s working hard on creating boundaries to protect her sense of worth and not allow the psychic vampires of this world to drain her light. The daughter will always feel lost to herself, unfulfilled and fatigued when she hustles to garner acceptance and value by becoming what others want her to be. As a female, partner, wife or daughter, she was never born to be a tool or a means to satisfy anyone else’s needs or agenda. And now that she recognizes that some have used her that way whether it be her parent or the sexist cultural messages that routinely flood women in general, feeling resentful and angry will always be the appropriate response.

The daughter is learning to run for the hills when she hears the phrase, “If you loved me, you would blah, blah, blah….”. She’s learning what love is all about through her own life experiences and by knowing what it feels like to love herself. She doesn’t need anyone else to define what she already has deep within her. When she finds herself contorting and twisting to meet the world’s expectations, she notices and gets curious about why and how to handle whatever crops up. When fatigue and resentment stick around, she makes sure to check her lines in the sand to see if anyone is encroaching and distance herself from what she learned to be toxicity seeping in. When she feels judged, ridiculed or cast aside for having a thought, opinion, feeling or dream, she closes her eyes and remembers her light, her grit and her ability to stand firm in her truth. When she needs to untangle, she shows up in therapy to explore what was behind her, dream about what lies before her and pay homage to what’s inside her because that’s the stuff that will always carry her along the way. When she makes mistakes, she stays ready to deal with harsh, self-criticism if it shows up and tries to make room for self-compassion, accountability and forgiveness like she does for others. And eventually, she tries to give thanks for it all. She gives thanks for what her mother taught her, what she didn’t teach her and how life has a funny way of bringing us closer to our true self if we stay open and do the hard work. And she tries to take note of the Divine’s hand in her life and the wonder of it all teaching her the way of forgiveness, light and love.

Questions/activities to ponder or good journal prompts!

  1. Think of a time when you’ve felt like a “tool” used by someone else to satisfy their needs? What happened and what did it feel like?
  2. Recall what it feels like to have outgrown a relationship or what it feels like to no longer be who you are in that setting. What happened that brought you to the realization that things needed to change?
  3. Forgiveness never erases what has happened to us at the hands of others. How do you use forgiveness to cope with what has happened to you to foster your own healing? What other word or definition might you use to define forgiveness?
  4. When you fall into old patterns of thoughts and/or behaviors that do not serve you or the world, do you practice self-forgiveness and self-compassion? Why/why not?
  5. Why is fighting to stay aligned with our true self so hard? How do you know when the path you’re on is truly your own?

Boundaries.

Boundaries.

by kimberly gruber ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Sometimes in therapy, as a client spends time in my office, they leave behind traces of the human experience that float in the air waiting to land and be picked up by me or the next brave soul who enters. I don’t know how it works, but I don’t waste time trying to figure it out. This is one of those miracles of the Divine that I just accept as being pretty cool and there for the taking. If it’s in the room and catches someone’s attention, it’s usually worth looking at. In one of these miracle moments, the word “boundaries” got suspended in the sunlight and bounced off the bodies of me and all the clients who came by that day. And on that particular day, we all noticed. When Lizzy entered the room, it hit her right in the face helping her to understand why she was so tangled up in the pain and helplessness she’d been carrying. For Sean, the discussion about boundaries aided him in forging his own path outside of his family. For me, I was reminded of how boundary setting is an act of self-love and how we all could use a little more of that in our every day lives.

I’d been working with Lizzy for over a year. She’d made some progress, but was still plagued by the belief that she was incapable of dealing with the ups and downs of everyday life. She often spoke of staying small to not be seen or heard. She didn’t want to make waves because she feared that bad things would happen if her waves made life harder for someone else floating on the ocean. She was always on edge. If a door shut, she jumped. She spent countless hours watching all the “what ifs” tumble around in her head and the outcomes were never good. Lizzy could only focus on all that was wrong in the world and in her life and believed she was incapable of changing any of it. She was exhausted from feeling helpless and hopeless. But today, as we talked about another aspect of her childhood, she made the realization that she never really had one. She had grown up with a mother who had assigned Lizzy the role of friend, confidant and comforter. This dynamic robbed Lizzy of her of innocence and placed demands on her that were inappropriate and unattainable for a child. When her mom’s life fell apart, Lizzy was there to witness every aspect of her mom’s pain. Lizzy was expected to pick up the pieces of her Mom’s own brokenness, listen to every detail of her mess and be there to assist her in gluing it all back together. This pattern was still going on in the present as Lizzy moved into adulthood. And if Lizzy wasn’t there for the repair job, her mom told her she wasn’t being a good daughter.

Sean entered next and he was pissed. He explained his mom had made him late for work that morning, again. At 18, Sean was juggling work, school, friends and family. He was falling into the natural order of things at this stage in his life – pulling away from childhood, feeling the stress of that and using his home and family as a safe, known place for him to regroup so he could replenish and fly away again. It’s a lot. He was excited and anxious about leaving for college. We called it “anxcited”. Over the past few weeks, Sean had done a lot of work on staying with what he was feeling which sometimes included feeling a couple things at once. Like feeling sorry for his mom and pissed too about how her worry over Sean leaving for college was spilling all over him. For the past few months his mom had been struggling with unremitting anxiety and the effects of that looked like a continual replay of conversations centered around control and preparedness. Sean explained that sometimes his mom’s stuff was just too much for him. When his mom’s worry moved into his space, instead of feeling “anxcited” about college, Sean was left feeling inadequate and guilty. He longed to be free from the work that was his mom’s responsibility. And as he explained this phenomenon to me, I watched him cry as the word “boundaries” floated above his head beckoning him to take a look.

That day, I waited for both Lizzy and Sean to break. Because I know when anger and pain roll into the room, a space is created for what the client needs to do next. When pools of tears leave the body and all the client is carrying has cascaded all over the floor, it’s easier to see what comes next. Today, it’s boundaries. When humans are asked to do the impossible like parent too early, walk someone else’s journey, be the source of someone else’s happiness and fix things that aren’t ours to fix, we break from the exhaustion and injustice. But when we break, we have the opportunity to rebuild with tools that help us come back stronger and wiser. In the remodeling process, some of those tools include creating walls to keep others from robbing us of our own experiences, our learning and our truth. Boundaries may look like saying “no” to taking on a role that was never meant for you. Or removing yourself or limiting your time with a situation because you’re being asked to absorb someone else’s struggle. Or listening to your own knowing that’s telling you to pause and look at a particular relationship and how it’s affecting you. Or sometimes boundaries look like sandbag walls giving you the opportunity to remove a layer of sandbags in time when trust develops. Or they look like signs that read, “Stop! You require rest, recovery and play!” reminding you of the importance of self-care. Whether you’re asking the grocery checkout clerk to stop talking about the details of her sex life in the presence of you and your 5 year-old granddaughter or laying ground rules for a relationship that’s causing you harm, creating boundaries is hard work. It takes time and practice to keep some lines from shifting in the sand when you fall into old patterns and fear. You’ll know you’re on the right track when you begin to feel a bit more free because you’re choosing to not get tangled in the nets of old habits and relationships that never served you. Stay steady in your work when you begin to feel unencumbered by what others think and pulled more by what you think no matter how difficult or scary it may seem. To keep the precious jewel of You free from the dust and dirt of others requires bravery and your self-loving protection. Boundaries are the safety measures you create to stay dust-free from someone else’s mess, keep your light shining and your life energy at a healthy level. They affirm all the strength and courage you truly have and help you remember that you’re always deserving of a love that leaves you feeling worthy, capable, unbounded and free.

Questions/activities to ponder or good journal prompts!

  1. What feelings bubble up when you’ve been pulled into a space not meant for you and why?
  2. If you’re in the business of “fixing” everyone else, why might that leave you feeling depleted and incapable in general?
  3. A boundary could be saying “no” to preserve or protect something within you. What are you trying to protect? Why is it hard to say “no” sometimes?
  4. Is your Knowing calling you to look at a current relationship or situation that’s negatively affecting you? What requires your attention and what might that boundary look like?
  5. How has setting boundaries positively affected your life and why? Why when we honor a wall of protection do we feel more free?
Our piece.

Our piece.

by kimberly gruber ♥ 2 Comments

I’m not sure anyone deserves the whole world but, I’m absolutely certain we deserve our piece of it. I know this for sure when I take notice and melt myself into the present moment. When I’m not tumbling in a sea of doubt or worry and able to break free from the whirlpool that just spins me in circles, I’m there. If I slow down and just float for even a little while, I’m open to the world around me and reminded that what my senses take in, is there just for me. It’s my snippet of time. It’s my very own personal experience waiting for me to grab it and just be in it. It’s my moment. This piece of presence may be tough to hold or breathtakingly beautiful and always calls my name to engage in what’s right before me if I take the time to listen for its voice. I have my own seat at the table with a place card that reads my name and invites me to sit and stay. This place of presence may serve up healing, inspiration, peace, gratitude or even pain and discomfort. Either way, it’s there for me and an important part of my journey to help me get things right.

It’s easy to find my piece of this world when I’m grounded in knowing I deserve it. I’m here. I carry the Divine in me along with the messy parts that get me unbalanced sometimes. When it’s hard to remember who I am, what to do next and what is my birthright, I stop fighting the current and quiet myself so I can float away from the churning chatter in my head and the noisy world around me. I close my eyes, hold hands with the Divine, sink down and search for that space that calls my name. My piece of the world. I’m an orb of light sinking below the surface and I wait to become settled in my seat at the bottom. When I look up, I see turbulence, spray and waves created by some of my own thoughts and by the actions of others in this world. I follow my breath so I don’t get pulled to the top and out of my space. It’s a practice that works most of the time but, sometimes it doesn’t. I work hard to not judge myself for getting sucked back up to the top. I remind myself that most of the time I can beat the chaos that’s always trying to pull me into its web. Other times, I get tangled and do my best to untangle and begin again. Wherever I end up, I’m here. Because of that, I’m always deserving of my piece of the world. When I connect to that space, I’m reminded of why I’m here and what the Divine would have me do with the gifts I carry. Sometimes, when I connect to that space, I don’t want to be there because it hurts or shows me things I don’t want to see. I try to stay close to my breath, feel, wait, hold on and trust that eventually my inner voice will whisper or even shout what is true for me. I try to remember that regularly visiting my piece of the world no matter what it may hold, is always a practice in patience, self-compassion, healing and love.

Find your space, your piece. Try looking for it through prayer or meditation and do your best to not give up. When you regularly practice looking for your piece, you get better at standing where you are and noticing how things have a way of connecting and that coincidence is not always happenstance. Your piece of the world lives in you. It’s not real estate but a place in the universe where your soul resides and when you visit, you know you’re home. Finding your path there can be tricky. Try following your breath and seeing each inhale as light in and each exhale as unhealthy dust out. Assign a sound or color to this natural rhythm. Find a meditation app to help guide you, follow the rhythm of your own walking, sit and focus on a beautiful thing in nature or get lost in your own creativity. Just do your best to take the time to slow down and shut out the world so you can hear your soul whisper your name and remind you of your light and love. Our piece of the world isn’t necessarily of this physical world. It’s a place that reminds you to just be. You know you’ve arrived when you witness the miracle of you and the power, peace and healing found in the present moment. In your piece of the world you breathe out swirls of light and magic because you’re aligned with you. May you come to find that in every moment, you can hold messiness and majesty in your hands and by just doing so, that will always be enough.

Questions/activities to ponder or good journal prompts!

  1. Try to figure out what keeps you from being in your present moment. What are some of those barriers?
  2. You are here and occupying the present moment. What does that thought inspire in you right now? What scares you about being in the present moment and why?
  3. How might you picture an image of your soul or your essence when in stillness, prayer or meditation? What does it look like or feel like?
  4. Are you able to find your stillness when in movement? Why or why not?
  5. Spending time listening in stillness for your inner voice and falling into the space in which it resides takes practice. Create a list of why hearing that voice may offer healing and important in helping you find your way.
Vines.

Vines.

by kimberly gruber ♥ 2 Comments

I could feel Chloe’s fatigue and sadness fill up the room. She came to me because she couldn’t shake the parasitic gloom that was draining her soul and body. She was so tired of wearing a happy mask and its accompanying persona that didn’t match how she really felt most days. As Chloe talked about her life and the opportunities she’d been given, tears began to roll down her face. She felt guilty for feeling the way she did adding another layer to her sadness. Chloe described a cycle of thoughts and feelings that had a power over her affecting every aspect of her life – high standards of self, unmet expectations, followed by harsh criticism and ending with feeling like she was never enough. This loop played out through much of Chloe’s life and had become so deeply embedded into who she believed she was, that Chole had little hope that she would ever feel like a whole, capable person. The truth is, Chole is and will always be enough. Finding her way to that truth and clutching that tightly to her chest, was the work Chloe needed to do. She was only seeing the loop of lies that had morphed into an invasive vine that covered every inch of her truth, her soul, her light. Chloe defined herself by the vine that ensnared her and not by what was underneath. This vine kept Chloe from expanding beyond its tightly woven stems, leaves and tendrils keeping her contained and afraid by telling her she’s never going to be enough. The vine and its continuous audio loop of lies was strangling her. This left Chloe weak and obedient, a captive to its strength and deception. The vine was thriving and Chloe wasn’t.

To cut back the vine, Chloe needed to find her truth by learning to speak her truth. Her work began by looking at what fed the vine and what fed her light. Chloe’s light was waiting to be drenched in love and truth so it could radiate, grow and eventually burn away the ensnarled vine that kept it covered and contained. So, we started with words. What words feed the vine and what words feed the light? Words are powerful weapons or sources of healing that need to be chosen wisely. Chloe began to examine the words she typically used to speak to herself. Do they resonate with compassion, kindness and understanding? Do they denigrate, judge, compare or belittle? Are they really true? Whether Chloe believed or felt the loving words that came from her light’s vocabulary or her true self, she began the practice of using them anyway. Chloe took on the hard work of helping her brain create new pathways or new ways of thinking by using words of healing and love to keep her connected with her true, light-filled self. The habitual act of choosing words of healing and hope is helping Chloe become one with her light and starving the vine of deception. For Chloe, after years of telling herself she wasn’t good enough, she continues to work hard at choosing self-talk that leads her back to her own light. Busting out is a bloody battle because forging new ways of thinking and doing when the vine is gripping your ankles and pulling you back into old patterns requires a strength like no other. So, Chloe grips tightly to a machete made up of truth to cut away the vine when battle fatigue sets in and she gives into old patterns of thinking and believing. Chloe is not only learning new ways of speaking to herself but, what she needs to do to stay strong and resilient so she can fight for her truth every single day.

The vine will never go away completely and will try to manipulate her thoughts to stay in control. For Chloe, that meant she had to look to the sources that led to her destructive thoughts and beliefs and identify how she may use her strengths to improve her self-awareness, self-compassion and understanding. Years of deeply ingrained lies were fueled by superficial friendships, comparison with others and fed Chloe’s feelings of lack. Moving away from any source that promotes the type of comparison that leaves Chloe feeling less than, needed to be burned to the ground and doing so gets messy and hard. What helps keep us afloat is seeing the sacred in our own honest, disheveled and authentic humanity. And that is the source of all beauty. Anyone or anything that encourages Chloe to believe life’s not those things or shouldn’t be those things, feeds the vine. So, that means Chloe has to examine her life and relationships through the lens of self-love while being one with her own humanity. Belonging is essential to building resilience and healing but the type of connection matters. Chloe is teaching the world how she deserves to be treated by maintaining healthy relationships and letting go of or setting boundaries for the relationships that are not. And I know what’s around the corner for Chloe if she keeps on this path. As Chloe works every day to cut away the falsehoods and things that don’t serve her, she’ll attract others who work hard to do the same. Beautiful, meaningful connections are born only when honest, messy unencumbered lights shine individually and as one. It’s tough trusting and waiting on that type of relational healing, especially when you’ve never had it. It’s why faith and a belief that things can get better are a huge part of Chloe’s work too.

So, I sit in awe as I watch Chloe fight for her right to be human and not perfect. I watch her navigate the relationship she has with herself and her relationships with others as she tries to make sure presence, supportiveness and nurturance are integral parts of that connection. Chloe continues to battle. But there’s honesty and beauty in this space and I know why she fights so hard to free her light – because she’s growing in the belief that she matters. With each painstaking effort she makes and every time she shows up in my office to untangle the vine and fight for her very soul, Chloe has tapped into that space that is calling her by her true name – daughter of light, truth and love.

Questions/activities to ponder or good journal prompts!

  1. We all have vines that require our attention so they don’t invade our garden of light. What thoughts or actions feed your vines?
  2. If it persists and is given space to grow, the vine may truly drain us physically, mentally and spiritually. Why is that so? What can you learn from that experience?
  3. The daily habit of tending to our truth and cutting back the vine is hard work. What practical changes could you make to keep your own, beautiful, worthy light shining brightly?
  4. Think back to a time when your light shone brightly and unhindered. What did that feel like?
  5. Meaningful relationships are messy and beautiful and cannot survive without truth. In what ways does that statement speak to you?

Open your fingers.

Open your fingers.

by kimberly gruber ♥ 2 Comments

She cupped her hands and extended them out before me. Her fingers were closed tightly so, whatever she was holding had no chance of slipping through her fingers. In her cupped hands, sat a pool of hot, bubbling anger. She told me that two years ago, she’d been severely bullied within the first month of moving into her new high school. She’d been taunted repeatedly in the hallways, excluded and ridiculed on social media. She ate her lunch in a bathroom stall for several months rather than endure being isolated and ridiculed in the cafeteria in front of all of her peers. That’s when the cutting and thoughts of suicide began. She just wanted the pain to stop. Another student in the school witnessed the bullying and she was moved to help. That brave soul invited her to sit with her crew in the cafeteria and a friendship developed. She believes it was that act of kindness that saved her life.

That experience took a toll on her. She was still suffering from what had happened to her a year later. The teen that sat before me had no sparkle in her eyes and no energy left to fight for her right to be here. As we began to work together to untangle what had happened, she slowly emerged from the darkest part of her despair. We talked a lot about what kept her tethered – albeit tenuously to this world. It was dance and the brave soul. Through dance and kindness, her pain was able to be seen and heard. Those things didn’t blame her for what was happening, tell her to just ignore the assholes or tell her it would get better. Those things said, “I see you and I hear you”, now come with me.

As she moved from self-hatred to self-acceptance by finding her worth and self-compassion, she began to heal. She discovered that for most of her remaining years in high school, she had identified herself as a victim. Her anger and hurt about what had been done to her had driven much of what she thought, did and said to herself. In her mind, holding onto the anger and hurt made the offenders “pay”. She held the anger tightly in her cupped, closed-fingered hands even though it burned and blistered her own palms. She wanted them to feel the pain she felt by keeping it alive in her. When it got too heavy and hot, she threw it at others or drank it just to have somewhere else to put it. I asked her what would happen is she just separated her fingers while cupping her hands. We could look at the scars the trauma left behind, but it would allow the rage to trickle from her cupped hands. Accepting the injustice of what happens to us as humans doesn’t have to define or run our lives. Yes, carry the pain so someone safe may be a witness to it too. But, carry it in cupped hands with open fingers and wait until it slips away. Trust that it will. This process is called feeling.

I watch her extend her cupped hands before me again. This time, with her fingers not pressed so tightly together. I told her I see what she holds and hear her story as to why it’s there. I stand with her as she waits for it to seep from her hands. She cries because it hurts and she cries because she has brought about the miracle of her own relief. She was getting back her power. She’s choosing to surrender to the hold the pain has on her and choosing to not be defined by it. She’s choosing to hold all she feels in her open-fingered hands and trust that what she carries will eventually slip through her hands. She’ll have battle scars but, she’s choosing to not let them be the only thing she reveals to this world. She learns there’s so much more to who she is than the scars that pain has left behind. Now, she has the energy and space to heal and find herself again. She dances, she cries, she creates and connects. Most importantly, she connects with herself using the tools of compassion, understanding and love. I’m an honored guest in the presence of a rebirth where there is laboring, pain, waiting and finally the emergence of a miracle. My heart dances with hers as I watch this courageous soul begin again.

Questions/activities to ponder or good journal prompts!

  1. What painful, past experience may dictate how you live today and in what way/s?
  2. What do you hold in your cupped hands and why is it so hard to open your fingers and let it go?
  3. Have you been able to share the difficulty of what you feel and what you hold? Why/why not?
  4. We all have wounds that require our attention so they heal. How do you foster your own healing?
  5. Have you ever experienced a rebirth or been in the presence of one who has done so? What have you learned?

The current of change.

The current of change.

by kimberly gruber ♥ 2 Comments

Recently, my youngest moved out to live on her own. It was hard but, I know it’s time. This jump for her and me is the natural order of things. I find in these moments of transition amidst the pain and discomfort, there’s a quiet stream of knowing that runs deep inside me. It quietly reminds me to go with the flow of this life current. No matter what’s bubbling on or around the surface of my skin, I’m carried in the flow of this deep, untroubled current even when I fight it and try to swim upstream. A change or transition is like taking a brave jump to that next thing and each leap to the next place before me means I have to find my balance all over again. I’ve got to stop after the jump, breathe, slow down and get my bearings. I have to think about what really just happened and despite the discomfort, rely on the stream of knowing to tenderly hold me afloat while I work on regrouping. With change there is newness and opportunity on one end of the seesaw teetering with the loss of something on the other end. I wait and bob up and down as the loss becomes less heavy and newness and opportunity becomes more apparent and abundant. While in this new place, I teeter and I wait. I remind myself that I’ve been here before and the length of my stay is dependent on the depth of my loss. It may require that I just breathe, or weep or scream but, this time of transition always includes waiting to adapt and find my footing again. I’m a part of the natural world which is always striving for balance by surrendering something and growing something new. Seeds grow in the fertilized soil of things that have burnt to the ground and tender, green leaves bust through the earth to take root in a new place for a new purpose.

When I feel like I’ve reached equilibrium again, I hope to take notice of what this place looks like and feels like. It’s a time to notice, rest, recover and gather. It’s a time to dream, learn and put out the glow of understanding so others know they’re not alone as they work towards balance again too. With my feet planted on level ground, it’s easier for me to reflect on my journey and what to keep for my future travels and what to trash. It’s a time to shine with the wisdom I’ve gleaned, revisit what matters and align once again with my purpose and who I am apart from my losses. It’s a time to practice self-awareness and feel. A lot can happen in equilibrium and that’s nature’s way. We need that time to build our reserves for the next transition and store that strength deep in our bones so our foundation and roots aren’t as easily ripped from the earth when change comes again.

Time moves on and things and moments end. That’s the only way something else can begin. I’ll try to remember that when I carry the hard, heavy feelings and pray for them to move along. This is how change occurs. I wait until the heaviness of uncertainty, fear and sadness leaves so, my arms are freed up to grab opportunity from the fresh, new air that accumulates around me. It’s up to me to breathe in the idea of starting over again despite my fear. It’s up to me to remember that what lies before me can contain beautiful too if I try hard to build from where I am right now given all I know. Eventually, equilibrium will arrive as I become lighter and freer to widen my lens and focus not only on what I’ve lost but all I’ve gained. With each turn of the planet and every courageous leap of faith, I start over again and again.

Questions/activities to ponder or good journal prompts!

  1. Why can change be so hard for us as humans?
  2. What have you lost and what have you gained due to a life change?
  3. What keeps you from being aware of the state of balance or equilibrium? How may noticing this state bring about a sense of growth and learning?
  4. While you wait for the pain of loss to lessen, is there a “knowing” that guides you, holds you and/or comforts you? If yes, what is that knowing?
  5. When you widen your lens of all you see, opportunity may look like many things, thoughts or new ideas. What do you see when you widen your lens?